


explosion

by gammafrost



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/F, F/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-09-06 01:57:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 33,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20283505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gammafrost/pseuds/gammafrost
Summary: What might have happened if instead of Jaime, Cersei had been captured and brought back to King's Landing by Brienne.





	1. just make him disappear

The moonlight shone faintly through Cersei’s tent. It was colder than she was used to out here, especially in the nights. During the days, she would cover herself in long, thick dresses, but now she was only wearing her thin smallclothes.

She shivered and pulled her blanket over herself tighter. She was growing restless these days, longing to go home with Jaime. She needed to have him safely back in her arms. She had to be with him, always, so she had demanded to stay close to him during the war.

Not that Jaime and Cersei got to spend much time together, not in the way that Cersei wanted, but it was better than being locked up in the Red Keep with her husband. Anything was better than that. Joffrey had tried to stop her, of course, saying the battlefield was no place for a woman, and especially not for a queen. Even Jaime had tried to stop her, saying the risk was too great, but she wouldn’t listen.

Cersei turned around in her hard bed. The only thing about the Red Keep that was better than the Lannister camp, was the silence. Here, the soldiers loudly played drinking games into the depths of the night, they sparred with each other next, and Cersei could hear the whores giggling and moaning until long after that. At those sounds, she tried to close her eyes and imagine Jaime was with her, but he was never there. He could never be there.

Tonight, the sounds grew even louder. Cersei sighed and stood up, opening her tent just enough to catch a glimpse of what was going on. She heard the thrilling sound of metal clashing on metal, she heard soldiers shouting and horses neighing and-

“Cersei!” Her brother came running towards her tent, a long bloody sword in his right hand. He rushed inside, taking her hand and dragging her with him. “Get dressed, you'll have to get out of here soon,” he said, obviously stressed.

He started frantically looking through her belongings and gave her a simple red dress.

“What is happening?” she asked.

Jaime sighed, his sword still high up in the air, ready to kill. “We’re under attack.”

Cersei blinked twice but did not ask questions. Even if she found a weapon here, the chance she would be able to fight against experienced warriors was slim. And everybody knew the queen was with the Lannister army. They would be killing each other to get to her. But out there on the battlefield, she would never survive.

"I'm not leaving you. Not ever," Cersei determined.

Jaime looked her up and down, a look of regret in his eyes. They had both known something like this would probably happen. Cersei knew Jaime would never forgive himself if something happened to her.

“If I die-” he started, like he always did before a battle.

Cersei stopped him, as always. “We’ll show them what Lannisters are.”

Jaime kissed her. She relished in the feeling of his lips against hers, wishing they could stay like this forever. If they both survived the war, she would make him promise to never leave her again.

The fighting outside lasted too long without anything happening to them. Jaime had a nervously tight grip on his sword. He had always been like that when he had to protect Cersei.

Cersei had searched around her tent for a weapon, anything she could use to kill if she had to, and eventually found a small knife on her table. It felt strange in her hand, as if it was simultaneously a foreign object and a familiar part of her arm. She didn’t take long to contemplate the feeling as the fighting audibly grew more vicious.

And then they ran into her tent. Jaime cut the first one down easily. Cersei saw his blood gushing out of the wound and smelled its bitter scent in the air. She walked backwards, pressing her back against her tent, and saw Jaime stabbing another man through the heart. He collapsed with his head near Cersei’s feet, his lifeless eyes staring up at her.

Then two Stark soldiers charged at Jaime at once. Of course, Cersei had seen him beat worse odds, but still she felt a flicker of fear in her heart. One of them managed to cut Jaime’s arm, throwing him off balance just long enough for the other soldier to knock him down and rush towards Cersei.

Her knife moved on its own. Jaime had long ago taught her where to aim a sword, back when they could still dress up in each other’s clothes and fool even their own father, back when Cersei would dress as Jaime and practice sword fighting, and he would sit Cersei’s lessons. At the end of the day, Cersei would always come to Jaime’s chambers, exhausted and delighted.

Apparently, her body had remembered the movements. She dodged the first swing of the man’s sword and lifted her knife up, burying it between his chest and armpit. He screamed and swung his sword again, but Cersei had the advantage now and planted her knife in the man’s throat. When he fell down, she pulled it out and saw that Jaime had killed the second soldier. His arm was bleeding quite heavily but he didn't seem to mind. He almost limped towards Cersei and cupped her face with his left hand.

“Run. There will be more.”

Cersei nodded.

But she was stopped immediately. Robb Stark himself stood at the entrance of the tent, his sword more red than silver.

Before Cersei had time to think, he took her wrist and turned her around so her back was to him. He pulled her knife out of her hand in one swift motion and aimed it at her throat. The cold metal made her shiver, but she would not show fear. Jaime would protect her.

“Let her go.” Jaime’s sword was instantly aimed at Robb’s face, his voice strangely sounding so much like their father’s for a moment. “We can settle it now. You and me. Let’s end the war.”

Robb scoffed and pressed his knife deeper into Cersei’s throat. She wrestled against his strong grasp, but her resistance was short-lived.

“Alright, Kingslayer,” Robb said after a few moments. “If you lose, she will surely die. And afterwards, you will.”

Jaime made a low sound in his throat and clearly had to restrain himself for now. He nodded curtly and Robb pushed Cersei towards him. Jaime held her shoulders tightly and forced her to look at him.

“I’ll kill everyone, until you and I are the only people left in the world,” he said, reminding her of his promise to go to war with Robert for her. He kissed her cheek softly and dragged her outside.

The fight was long and intense. Robb was a perfect match for Jaime, just as strong, as quick, and as good with his sword, despite Jaime being twenty years his senior.

It was like a dance, Cersei thought, the way they moved their feet and swung their arms, the way they were concentrated on getting every move exactly right, the way they were able to tell what the other was going to do before he did it, the way their swords seemed to be a part of their bodies. It felt as if it went on for hours, neither of them able to give the other even a scratch.

But then, Jaime made a mistake. Cersei barely noticed what had happened until Jaime hesitated for a moment, and Robb saw his chance. He drove his sword deep into Jaime’s thigh and Jaime groaned, falling to the ground on one knee. Blood poured out of his leg onto the grass and Cersei clenched her fists. She would step in and finish the Stark boy herself if it had to come to that. Jaime raised his sword once again, but he was weakened and Robb kicked his wrist. His sword flew out of his hand and landed a few feet further.

Robb stood over him and bent over. Jaime tried to punch him, but Robb simply caught his arm and pushed it back. Cersei thought he might break it and ran towards them.

“I’m taking her with me,” Robb whispered to Jaime, just loudly enough for Cersei to hear. “My mother will want her vengeance.”


	2. you could kiss him but my words are sweeter

Cersei didn’t understand why they had not killed her yet. They had only chained her to a pole in a cell, forcing her to sit still and wait for months. 

She only ever got to see somebody when a Stark soldier brought her food twice a day, or when they came to visit her and make empty threats. 

She felt like she hadn’t slept in years. She was hungry and thirsty and alone. She wanted Jaime back. Every day, she could only hope he was still out there fighting for her. 

She wanted to kill Robb, and Catelyn, and the two girls back in King's Landing. She wanted to kill every last Stark in the world. 

In some of her nightmares, she watched Robb drive his sword through Jaime’s heart over and over again while she looked on. Helpless or unwilling, she could not tell.

In others, it was Joffrey. They would take her son away from her and behead him while she was in the crowd, crying out and fighting, but it would never help. She always stood right in front of him when he died.

Once, he fell into her arms, his hollow dead eyes staring up at her. She had woken up crying her eyes out and screaming half the camp awake. 

She had seen a single rose outside her cell. She had crushed it. 

Only rarely were her dreams not nightmares. Sometimes, she would be nineteen again, making love to Jaime on her wedding day. On her last day of freedom. 

But she would always know they were dreams. In her dreams, Jaime had vibrant blue eyes. Whenever she would try to look in a mirror to see if she was still the same as him, it would shatter along with the dream. 

In other dreams, she would dream of killing all her enemies, of taking her rightful place on the Iron Throne and never having to pretend to the perfect queen or the dutiful wife. She would marry Jaime like the Targaryens had done for three hundred years, and nobody would dare to hurt her again. 

In reality, she heard Robb Stark’s direwolf circling her cell in the shadows every hour, always ready to attack whenever Robb would finally decide he wanted her dead. 

Catelyn Stark had come to her once, her voice filled with loathing when shel asked what Cersei had done to her son. Cersei had simply laughed. The bitch didn’t deserve her sympathy. 

At night, she almost froze to death, being forced to sleep outside in nothing but her thin dress. It didn't even have long sleeves she could wrap around herself. Every night she was scared she wouldn’t wake up in the morning. 

She had tried to escape. If only she had the strength to strangle all of her guards, she would have stolen a sword from one of them and shoved it into Robb Stark’s back.

Unfortunately, she had only her female charm, or what was left of it, now that she hadn’t taken a bath in months. 

Her hair was unwashed and uncombed. She had long ago given up on trying to properly brush through that thick mane with her fingers. Every morning and every night she put it in a sloppy braid. 

Her dress was filthy and torn at the bottom. 

Still, she had attempted to seduce some of her guards into letting her free. They wouldn’t give in. No one ever would.

Until one day. 

Cersei was woken up by Robb’s huge direwolf barking at her, its snout uncomfortably and scarily close to her face. 

It was the middle of the night, the entire camp seemed to be asleep, and she could vaguely make out a tiny shape and a large shape wearing armor. She slowly let her eyes adjust to the darkness and eventually recognized Catelyn Stark. Behind her stood a huge knight. 

“My lady,” Cersei said with a sneer. “Ser…?” 

“I’m no knight, your Grace,” came a soft but stern voice.

“This is Brienne of Tarth,” Catelyn said. “She will be accompanying you back to King’s Landing.” 

Cersei’s heart jumped at that. She would see Jaime again, if he had survived. She would see her sons and daughter again.

And when she finally sat on her throne, she would show them what it means to put a lion in a cage. 

She couldn’t stop herself from smirking, but she knew she had to keep quiet.

For now, she simply muttered: “Why now?”

Catelyn looked at her with pure hatred in her eyes. “Your son has demanded to get you back, or he will kill my daughters.”

She always had a cold look in her eyes, an expressionless face, and her voice was ever trembling with anger. It would follow her into her death, Cersei thought. 

“Joffrey seems to have developed a taste for killing Starks,” she said. 

She had heard about her son beheading Eddard Stark for treason, of course. Apparently he had found out about Joffrey’s real father, after Cersei's husband had died in a hunting accident. 

The death of those two was the only news that had made her happy in her time with the Starks, even though the Starks loathed her even more after Eddard was executed. They mocked her relationship with Jaime endlessly. 

If she were at the execution, she would have stopped it. She would have convinced Joffrey to let Eddard join the Night’s Watch. But it was done now. And her family still had Sansa and Arya. 

She took a better look at this Brienne of Tarth. The woman was taller than most men, surely taller than Jaime, and broader than most men as well. 

Her armor didn’t fit, making her shoulders and arms look even more enormous. 

Cersei never wanted to find out what was hiding under it. 

She had taken her helmet off when Catelyn had started talking. She had short blonde hair, so light it looked almost white. 

Her facial features were masculine as well, with her strong jaw and big nose. Her eyebrows were nearly invisible, and her lips were crooked. 

Cersei couldn’t tell exactly, but she guessed Brienne was about five years her junior.

The only thing about her face that struck Cersei as possibly beautiful were her eyes. Even in just the moonlight, Cersei could see her eyes were big and blue, so blue they reminded her of the sea around Casterly Rock that Jaime and she would play in when they were children.

The beast reached around her and unchained her from the pole, but kept the chain in her abnormally large hand. She took Cersei’s arm in her other hand.

She was stronger than Jaime, and even uglier up close. She pulled Cersei up, who immediately noticed her feet had become too used to sitting. She almost fell over, but Brienne held her arm tight. 

“You will leave now,” Catelyn said. “My son’s men will not hurt you as long as Lady Brienne is with you.”

“‘Lady’,” Cersei mocked under her breath. 

Whatever she was, this woman didn’t want to be a lady and was no lady, even if her noble birth said otherwise.

"Watch your tongue,” Catelyn said. 

Cersei simply rolled her eyes. She figured her legs had gotten used to walking again, and tried to push Brienne away from her, but she clearly wasn’t strong enough.

"Don't touch me. Ever,” she demanded. She had to tilt her head back to look Brienne in the eyes.

Brienne hesitated but did let go of her arm, and Cersei felt a bag being pulled over her head. 


	3. wasted feelings come alive

It felt as if she had spent weeks in total darkness. In reality it couldn't have been more than a few hours, but when the bag was finally pulled off her head and the sunlight shone onto Cersei’s face, she felt alive and powerful again. 

Her braid hung tangled and dirty over her right shoulder, but in it she saw the golden glow that Jaime loved so much. 

She could almost see Jaime's face when he would see her again. He would light up and he would take her into his arms and kiss her until she had forgotten about everything but him. 

She felt Brienne tugging at the chains on her wrists and turned around. 

“Gods, I should’ve stayed in the dark,” she sneered.

In the daylight, Brienne's blue eyes shone brighter, but they didn't mask the rest of her face. Cersei almost pitied her. 

“Come on,” Brienne said, ignoring her and walking ahead. 

Cersei could barely keep up with her. Apparently this woman hadn’t noticed she was almost a foot taller than her captive, and wasn’t wearing a long dress like Cersei was. 

They were in a huge forest, tall trees and bright green leaves everywhere. In the distance, she would sometimes hear animals.

It somehow reminded her of Casterly Rock. Even though there was no beach nearby, the fresh air still felt like home. 

For a moment, she wondered if she could stay here. She would build a new life with Jaime and her children, away from the pressure of court, away from her father who would force her to marry again the moment she stepped foot in King’s Landing, away from her duties. 

On the other hand, she would give up her rightful throne for nothing and nobody, not even Jaime. Not when she was so close to finally getting it.

“Brienne of Tarth…” Cersei said slowly, still not earning any of Brienne’s attention. “Are you lord Selwyn’s daughter? He must be… proud.” 

Brienne didn’t look at her. Cersei couldn’t tell if she even cared about her japes. 

“You’re still unmarried? A highborn lady?” 

Of course she was. No respectable man would ever want a wife that could take him out in a fight. Brienne might pass for a man and marry a woman, if that was more to her tastes. 

“You might as well talk to me, we’ll be stuck with each other for a while,” Cersei said. She was already getting bored of this woman. 

When they arrived at a river, Brienne stopped. A small boat was waiting for them. Brienne was about to shove her into it, but Cersei resisted and tried to pull the chains back.

“It’s been months since I’ve washed myself, and since neither of us know when I’ll be back home, I’ll jump in now,” she said.

Brienne hesitated. 

“You can join me if you don’t trust me,” Cersei said, praying to all the gods that she wouldn’t join her.

“Alright, but be quick about it,” Brienne replied coldly. 

She gave Cersei her chains and sat down on the riverbank with her feet in the river, looking at Cersei with annoyance and hate in her eyes, but not saying anything.

Once Cersei was left in only her smallclothes, she walked a few feet away from Brienne and stepped into the cool water. It was a little too cold, but Cersei didn’t mind. It was the closest thing to a proper bath she had had in a long time. 

She lay down on her back, struggling to undo her long braid and try to wash the filth out of her hair. Eventually it seemed to work. 

She sat up and tried to clean the rest of her body as well, noticing a new scratch on her ankle and some bruises on her arms. She probably got those from Brienne being too rough with her. Cersei would make her pay for every time she hurt her. 

When she was finished she walked out of the water, her smallclothes sticking to her body and highlighting her curves. She noticed Brienne still staring at her. 

She thought of running away right now. It would be stupid. She probably wouldn't last a day on her own, and Brienne was taking her home as safely as possible. So she walked back to her pile of clothes. 

Brienne followed her. Immediately after Cersei put her dress back on, she grabbed her chains back and surprisingly softly pushed her towards and into the boat. 

Cersei let Brienne row them for what she guessed was a few miles, until they stopped on the other side of the river. 

Instead of taking her hand, Brienne grasped her upper arm to help her out. 

Cersei scoffed. That ugly cow couldn't even pretend to be a real lady. 

After they had walked in silence for a while, Cersei started to hear something moving in the woods. Even though it sounded big and fast to Cersei, Brienne didn't seem to notice anything. Or maybe she didn't care. 

Cersei tried to ignore it, but the noise wouldn't stop and seemed to follow them. She nervously looked around but the dusk was already settling in and she couldn't see nearly far enough. 

"Brienne, we're-" 

She saw the wolf before Brienne did. It tackled Brienne to the ground, Cersei's chains slipping out of her hand, and tried to bite her face. Cersei saw her panic but she quickly collected herself and managed to kick her knee into the beast's side, making it whimper and roll off her. 

She stood up immediately and drew her sword. 

Only three feet away, Cersei stood paralyzed, not knowing if there would be more. Wolves normally traveled in packs. She would try to run, if only she had a safe place to go to. And she couldn't fight. 

The wolf charged at Brienne again, but she was prepared now. It sank its teeth into her right leg and Brienne shoved her sword into its back, only pulling it out once the wolf was bleeding out on its side. 

She cleaned her sword and turned to Cersei, panting. Her leg was bleeding, but she could still walk. Looking at her, the scars on her neck and hands, her broken nose, Cersei could tell she'd survived a lot worse. 

Cersei let out a breath she hadn't noticed she was holding. The sounds in the woods had stopped. They should be safe for now. 

Brienne sighed and walked towards Cersei with her sword still in her hand. 

"What do you think you're doing?" Cersei demanded. 

"Helping you." Brienne said it as if helping Cersei was the most common thing in the world. 

She kneeled in front of Cersei and felt the bottom of her dress. 

"I'll cut this off. You can't run. You can barely walk. You won't stand a chance if something like that happens again and I fail." 

Cersei wanted to protest, but she knew Brienne was right. She nodded her approval, not looking at Brienne. 

"If you hurt me, you'll die for it." 

Brienne rolled her eyes and put the point of her sword through the fabric about two inches under Cersei's knees. 

Her boots were high enough to still cover most of her legs, but the cool wind on the bare part of them felt uncomfortable yet liberating. 

Brienne made a fire and they settled down around it. At least Cersei would be able to lie down tonight. 

She combed her fingers through her hair, feeling it was easier to do now that she had washed it again, and put it into a braid. 

Brienne watched her do it, with a look in her eyes that Cersei didn't fully understand. She couldn't recall anyone ever looking at her that way. Strangely enough, it reminded her of Jaime. 

Cersei shook her head, averted her face and stared into the fire until her eyes watered, then closed them and tried to sleep. 

She dreamed a long, sweet dream about Jaime and their three beautiful children. 

She woke up on the hard, cold ground with tears silently streaming down her face.


	4. when i'm with you there's no other

When Cersei woke up on the fourth day, Brienne was nowhere to be found.

She called out her name, but she got no answer. 

She wouldn't have abandoned her, Cersei figured. She had sworn to lead Cersei back to King's Landing. And she was very protective of her oaths. 

Still, she wasn't here. Cersei looked around for half an hour, feeling more unsafe by the minute, until she finally saw Brienne walking towards her from the corner of her eye. In her hand she held two dead rabbits. 

"Where were you?" Cersei asked angrily. "Anything could've happened to me."

"I got us breakfast. And I got held up on the way." 

Only now Cersei noticed there was a brand new cut right under Brienne's eye. 

"Alright. And after breakfast, you're giving me one of your swords. I want to learn how to fight." Cersei looked straight into Brienne's big eyes and found disbelief. 

"I want to defend myself. Do you think I'm going to let myself die if you give up on me?" she asked. 

"I won't arm you," Brienne said. 

She turned her back on Cersei and started preparing their rabbits. 

"If I wanted to kill you, I would've done it days ago. You wouldn't stop me. And if you think I plan on running away, I'd love to know where you assume I'd go without getting killed within a day," Cersei said.

"You're probably too small for one of one of these. You'd need a shorter, thinner one," Brienne protested. 

"We'll see about that. And if you insist, give me the smallest one you have."

Brienne looked at her, said nothing, sat down and began eating her rabbit. 

Cersei rolled her eyes and took her own rabbit. 

When they were done, Brienne stood up and walked several feet away from their fire. She gestured for Cersei to follow her. 

"Show me your hands," Brienne said. 

Cersei held up her hands. They were still chained. Her wrists were held together by a short chain between the shackles. 

Brienne took her sword from her left side and cut through the short chain. At last, Cersei could freely move her hands. 

Then Brienne took the chain on her right wrist into her hand and cut through that as well. 

"I'm prepared to teach you, but you have to be careful, and you have to do everything I tell you to. This is not a training sword." Brienne unsheathed the blade on her right side and handed it over. 

It was big and heavier than Cersei had expected, but she tried to put her concentration and strength into the sword and held it tight with two hands. 

She moved her wrists slightly and felt the blade move with them as if it was a part of her. The feeling of it overwhelmed Cersei and she stared at the shining metal in wonder. 

Brienne's voice snapped her back to reality.

"One foot in front of the other."

Cersei complied, moved her feet and held the sword in front of her. Having her arms stretched out like that would become tiring fast.

"It is a little big, but you'll manage."

Suddenly Brienne hit the tip of her sword with hers. Cersei's blade fell out of her hands.

"Don't let me reach that part. Try to block with the lower half of the blade, or dodge it. Now pick it up. And remember, it's a part of your arm. Don't let yourself drop a part of your arm."

Cersei kneeled and slowly picked it up. A part of her arm. She stood up and almost felt her strength flowing from her arm into the sword and back.

"Good. Now, your feet are still still too close together. Line them up with your shoulders. And stand up straighter," Brienne instructed.

Cersei noticed how different Brienne sounded now. She could almost believe Brienne genuinely wanted her to get better.

Cersei held her feet further apart, suddenly very grateful for her shorter dress, and straightened her back. 

Brienne nodded. 

"Be very careful with that. I'll start easy. Follow my blade."

"Are you that scared of hurting me?" Cersei mocked. "Scared I'll hurt you? I could… "

"I would have my sword halfway through your spine before you could raise yours. Shut up and follow my blade."

Cersei focused her eyes on Brienne's sword. 

Everything Jaime's lessons had ever taught her came back to her instantly. It wasn't nearly enough, but she managed to properly block the slow hit of Brienne's blade. 

"Good," Brienne repeated. "Mind your hips and your feet." 

Cersei nodded and Brienne swung at her again, slightly faster now. 

Their swords clashed in front of Cersei's eyes. She could swear she saw sparks flying around them. 

Their blades seemed to be singing a song that only Brienne and Cersei understood. Their bodies danced to it. 

Cersei didn't know if it lasted for seconds, minutes, or hours. 

Jaime always said fighting to the death made him feel more alive than anything. She finally understood what he meant. 

Brienne stepped away and let Cersei catch her breath. She hadn't even noticed how exhausting it was. 

"Not bad. Quite good, actually. I'll make it harder tomorrow," Brienne said. 

Cersei looked at Brienne. Her constant stern, irritated look had disappeared from her face. She looked younger, and happier. Her blue eyes shone brightly and she even softly smiled at Cersei. 

"Why not now?" Cersei asked. She wanted to experience that feeling again. 

"King's Landing is a long way off. We can't stay here playing with swords. We'll practice every night starting tomorrow." Brienne gestured for Cersei to give her sword back. 

Cersei thought of Jaime. He would laugh at her when she told him about this. He would kiss her and stroke her hair and then challenge her to a fight.

Every day, the fear in her heart for Jaime got stronger. She kept telling herself she would know it if he was dead. She could always tell if he was hurt in battle, no matter how far apart they were. 

But what if he died without her knowing? What if she never saw him again? What if he died thinking she was dead? She felt tears welling up in her eyes. 

_Not here. Not around her. _

"We have to go," she told Brienne. She gave her the remaining chain on her left wrist. 

After that day, Brienne kept her word and every night they practiced their swordplay. It almost made Cersei look forward to each new day. 

All her muscles had been sore for days and after every night she would fall asleep instantly, but it was all worth it for how fast she was improving and how good it made her feel. 

If it wasn't for her getting to return to Jaime and her children, she would almost dread getting closer to King's Landing.

Being locked up in the Red Keep again meant she would have to spend her time singing and weaving and smiling prettily for her new husband, whoever it was that her father had undoubtedly already chosen for her. 

She had started to envy Brienne. The woman may be ugly and brutish and awkward, but at least she was free. She wasn't some man's property. She had chosen who she wanted to be loyal to. 

Tonight, after they were done with their swordplay, Cersei didn't feel as tired as she usually did. Maybe her body was finally starting to get used to it. 

She gave her sword back to Brienne and sat down, looking at the fire. 

"You learn fast," Brienne said. She lay Cersei's sword down in front of her and polished her own.

Cersei ignored her, aside from a tiny smile, and took out her braid. Her long hair was less of a nuisance than Brienne had warned her it would be, but she still had to put it in a tight braid lying in her neck.

She ran her fingers through her golden mane. She wished Jaime was here with her to brush through it and put it up in some extravagant style.

He always loved playing with her hair, even when they were children.

When Cersei had been forced to marry Robert, she would sneak away to Jaime's chambers at night whenever she could and bury her face in his chest while he put her hair in many golden braids.

She would always fall asleep to the feeling of his fingers in her hair.

"Brienne?" She asked.

Brienne looked up, confused. 

"What is it?" 

"I miss home. I miss Jaime," Cersei simply said.

Brienne hesitated but decided to move in closer to Cersei. 

"Jaime always loved doing my hair… Could you-" Cersei's voice broke immediately. 

And was she desperate enough to ask Brienne to braid her hair for her?

Brienne stared at her in more confusion. 

Cersei wanted to withdraw her offer, but she felt herself moving closer to Brienne and turning around.

Brienne braided her hair slowly and messily, but the feeling of her fingers running over her scalp and through her hair soothed Cersei.

"I never wanted to be with anyone but Jaime," Cersei blurted out. 

Brienne's fingers stopped and her hands left Cersei's hair.

"Go ahead. Make your jokes. I've heard them all before," Cersei said. "Jaime and I belong together. Have you ever felt that for someone?"

Brienne sighed. 

"Once."

"Did he not love you?" Cersei could guess the answer, but she felt herself genuinely interested.

"He never would have. But I swore my life to him. I don't regret anything," Brienne said.

She was talking about Renly Baratheon, Cersei realized. 

"Make your jokes," Brienne said. "Nothing you say can make me judge him."

Cersei wanted to say something, anything, but saw in Brienne's eyes the true admiration she'd felt for Renly. 

"We don't get to choose who we love," she simply said, repeating what Jaime had told her so many times in their moments of doubt. She felt uncomfortable, but something about their situation here made her believe it was all just love.

Brienne was visibly relieved and finished Cersei's braid.

Cersei tilted her head back instinctively, but Brienne pushed her up softly. 

When she was done, Cersei flipped her braid over her shoulder. It wasn't tight and clean like her own braids were after all those years, but she could tell Brienne tried. 

She gave Brienne a soft smile and lay down on the ground. Brienne moved a few feet away from her.

The thought of killing her and taking both her swords and going back to King's Landing alone crossed Cersei's mind only once. She could do it, her brain told her to do it, but her body refused to move.

Instead, she fell into a dreamless sleep. She hadn't had nightmares since they got sent on the way back to the capital. She figured the thrill of getting to see her family again was stronger than any fears she had. 

In the morning, she noticed her hand first. It was stretched out, almost touching Brienne's.


	5. your magic is my disease

Reflexively, Cersei pulled her hand away and sat up. 

She had only ever woken up to Jaime touching or holding her hand. The last time they were able to spend an entire night together was months before she got captured. 

With Jaime it always felt safe. She would feel loved when he held her. 

This felt strange, though she knew it was only an accident. Brienne wouldn't have touched her in any way while she was asleep, and Cersei preferred to never touch Brienne if she didn't have to. Still, she couldn't shake the feeling off.

It was late in the morning already. This was the first time she'd woken up before Brienne.

"Get up," she said, "we have to go." 

Cersei thought back to the night before. What had _happened_ to her?

She touched the braid Brienne had made for her. It fell apart under her fingers and Cersei softly combed her fingers through her hair. 

_Nothing_ had happened. Nothing could possibly have happened. Nothing could have changed.

She put her hair in a new braid and played with the end of it.

She couldn't name or explain the feeling she had when she looked at Brienne now that she knew what she'd told her, but she would never be that vulnerable with her again. Brienne probably thought she was weak.

She cursed herself for being open about Jaime. Brienne could cost her everything she held dear. 

"I'll get us food," Brienne called out behind her. 

"No need." Cersei picked some berries. "I want to go home." 

She held up her chain, but Brienne ignored it. 

"What's wrong?" 

Cersei cursed her internally.

"What do you care?" She threw the chain on the ground behind her and stopped for a moment, but Brienne didn't pick it up.

"You will see Jaime again-" Brienne started.

Cersei abruptly turned around.

"If you ever want to tell anyone about Jaime and me, I will make sure you're dead before you can open your ugly mouth." 

"I don't want to tell anyone. What you choose to do in your private life is not my concern." Brienne's voice almost sounded genuine, if Cersei didn't know better. No one who knew about them had ever left them alone. 

"I want to believe that," Cersei said. 

Brienne already knew about Jaime, she realized. Catelyn had to have told her what they did to her son when he caught them. Yet, she had never brought it up to Cersei.

"Is that why you're angry with me?"

Cersei rolled her eyes and kept walking. She couldn't explain why she was angry with Brienne if she tried, and at the same time she could name a thousand reasons why she should be angry with her. She simply wanted to be away from her. Brienne made her feel strange. 

She heard a deep sigh behind her. Good. Maybe if Brienne quit pretending they were friends, it would all be fine.

They walked along a riverbank. The bright, clear water soothed Cersei a little. 

But Brienne kept trying to talk to her. 

"I swear to you I won't say a word. I'll pretend I've never even heard the rumors."

"If you honored that, we'd have much less of a problem." 

"What more do you want?" Brienne asked.

"Give me my sword. Perhaps you'd finally shut up," Cersei demanded.

Brienne shook her head. 

"Tonight. It's still a few hours before nightfall." 

Cersei balled her fists. This woman was set on annoying her today.

She could probably take her sword from her and run off. Or kill her first. 

"We should move. We can't be seen," Brienne warned her, pushing her forwards softly.

Cersei saw her chance. She leaned back into Brienne's hand a little, found the hilt of her sword, then pushed her backwards and took it out of its sheath. She held it up high and looked at it, smirking. 

And she slashed it at Brienne.

It was stupid, but that didn't matter. If she won against Brienne somehow, she could make it back to King's Landing on her own, too. 

Brienne was clearly not giving it all she had, either. She never attacked Cersei. She only defended herself and let Cersei take out her anger. 

Cersei noticed seriously attacking someone took a lot more strength and concentration than just practicing did, but she kept going, slashing at her legs and stomach, but occasionally trying to go a little higher. 

"If you don't kill me, I will kill you," Cersei threatened her, out of breath.

"You won't provoke me," Brienne said irritatingly calmly, blocking another one of her blows. 

Cersei had tears in her eyes. She tried to hit Brienne's face. Brienne apparently hadn't counted on that and could only barely block her. The tip of Cersei's sword made a cut near her mouth.

Brienne not being willing to attack her angered Cersei even more. It felt as if Brienne was mocking her. She didn't even need to pretend she wanted to kill Cersei. 

When Cersei finally went for her heart, Brienne stepped back and gave the tip of Cersei's sword a powerful blow. It flew out of her hand and Brienne used Cersei's confusion to move forward and picked it up. She quickly sheathed both blades and touched the cut on her cheek. 

Cersei was panting. All she had managed to do was give Brienne a cut, and she knew Brienne would have killed her if she'd actually tried. 

"I'm assuming you've had your training for today?" Brienne asked sarcastically. 

Cersei found a rock and sat down, staring at her hands. They were getting more rough. 

Brienne stood over her. Cersei had to tilt her neck all the way back to look her in the eyes. 

"Don't attack me again." 

"Don't bother me again."

"You could leave," Brienne said.

"You swore to bring me back to King's Landing," Cersei said.

"What do you care about my oaths?" Brienne asked her.

"I don't. You saw me fight. I still wouldn't last a day." 

Brienne nodded. 

"Why didn't you fight back?" Cersei asked. She was still annoyed, but she was calming down. Mostly, she was too tired to try to fight Brienne again. All her muscles would hurt like hell in the morning, just like her feet from having to move on rocks in heeled boots. 

"I armed you because I trusted you. I thought you trusted me too." 

Something about the tone in Brienne's voice made Cersei almost ashamed of what she did. She _had_ said she wouldn't try to kill Brienne. 

"Did I do something wrong? After yesterday I thought–" 

"Nothing happened yesterday. Just stop talking about it and about Jaime. I want to go back to him. That's all," Cersei interrupted her.

"Alright." Brienne walked away from her. "What are you waiting for?" 

Cersei closed her eyes for a few moments. Brienne looked genuinely hurt. 

Cersei _didn't_ care. 

Brienne turned her face to Cersei. "Come on," she said. "You want to go back to Jaime, don't you?" 

"Yes," Cersei muttered to herself. 

"Brienne?" she called out. "I won't attack you again." 

Brienne gave her the smallest hint of a smile. 

"Tomorrow, I'll at least teach you how to do it properly." 

Cersei looked at the cut on Brienne's face again and smiled to herself. 

Then, she heard men walking up behind her. They were carrying Bolton banners. More of them closed in behind Brienne. Cersei immediately moved closer to Brienne. 

Brienne looked at the men and back to Cersei. She made a quick decision and let Cersei take her sword out of its sheath while holding her hand on the hilt of her own blade. 

The Bolton men moved in closer the moment they saw Cersei reaching for her sword. They drew their weapons and Brienne nodded to Cersei, as if she was affirming her that she could fight. Their arms moved as one. From the corner of her eye, Cersei saw Brienne slice through one of the men's shoulders. He fell down as Brienne shoved her sword into another man's stomach.

At the exact same time, Cersei lifted her sword high and stabbed a man through the eye. She noticed Brienne staring at her with an almost proud look. 

Cersei didn't spend much time contemplating that as several men charged at her. She dodged the swing of a knife coming for her neck and managed to stab him in the thigh, but it wasn't enough.

One of the men gripped her wrist, pulled the sword from her hand and held her arms locked behind her back with one hand. He held the sword for himself, took a knife and held it against Cersei's throat.

Brienne was still fighting several men at once, with her back to Cersei. 

"Drop your sword or she dies, Ser," the one holding Cersei shouted.

Brienne turned as if she'd been stung. 

Cersei didn't know what she wanted her to do. 

"Oh. My lady," the man said with a mocking tone. "Is she your wife?" 

Brienne didn't respond. She kept her sword in her hand, clearly unsure of what to do. Cersei could almost hear her brain trying to decide between honoring the oath she'd made to Catelyn, and saving her own life. 

"How do you think the king would react if you slit his mother's throat?" Cersei spat. 

The pressure on her throat decreased. Several Bolton men inspected Cersei as if they wouldn't recognize her instantly. 

"I'll shoot king Joffrey myself," the man behind her said, but he sounded more insecure when his companions confirmed that she was the queen.

"Alright. Take them." 


	6. reached the bitter end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating for over a week, uni got me harder than i thought. i'm hoping to update once a week from now on!!

Their arms were bound to their sides and they were forced to sit on a horse together, Brienne in front and Cersei behind her, facing the other way. The ropes cut into Cersei’s arms and her dress was too tight to sit on a horse with her legs spread. Brienne’s back was pressed against hers. Brienne felt big and muscular, but also quite soft. 

The men riding in front of them kept singing cheerfully. Cersei’s anger increased with every song. 

“You were quite good, back there,” Brienne said. 

Cersei tried to turn around the best she could, but had to settle for only turning her head sideways.

“You’re faster than you show when we practice. And you’re becoming less predictable.” 

“And none of that matters now.” Cersei sighed. She knew what they would do tonight, to both of them. Even if those men were smart enough to let Cersei live, she would be raped. With Robert, she would have tried to take control of the situation and make him fall asleep as fast as possible. These men wouldn’t be drunk enough to fall for that. 

She knew Brienne would fight them, but they wouldn’t care. They’d get their way. 

“Jaime always told me to go away inside, whenever Robert…” She stopped. Brienne didn’t need to know anything about her husband. “Think of Renly tonight. Or anything you want. Just let them have what they want, it’ll be over more quickly if you don’t resist.”

Brienne’s muscles were tense against Cersei’s arms and back. Cersei closed her eyes and hoped Brienne would win, should she decide to fight. 

“You wouldn’t care if they hurt you?” Brienne asked. She sounded scared, but more so disgusted with Cersei. It hurt. 

“How could you say that?” 

Cersei opened her eyes and stared at the sky, memories of her seventeen years with Robert rapidly running through her mind. A woman didn’t have to enjoy being with a man, she’d been told too many times, she should only pretend to. Still, Brienne didn’t deserve what they were about to do to her.

Cersei didn’t respond. Her thoughts became clouded with Robert and Jaime. She would just have to wait.

Late at night, they finally stopped and Brienne and Cersei were dragged from their horse. They chained them to two trees, facing each other. Cersei tried to listen to the men’s conversations far behind Brienne’s tree to try and catch anything she could use against them, but Brienne was obviously somewhere else in her head. 

The chatter and laughter got closer to them, but Cersei couldn’t see just what was happening. It seemed to wake Brienne up from her thoughts, however, and she looked into Cersei’s eyes as if asking her for help.

“Take that big bitch first,” came an ugly voice, which Cersei recognized as Locke's. He’d brought two of his companions, and Cersei thought she saw a third still standing in the shadows. They reached around Brienne’s tree and unchained her.

“No- My name is Brienne of Tarth. I swore Lady Catelyn to bring Her Grace safely to King’s Landing,” Brienne tried, trying to stand up straight and confident. Locke and his men clearly weren’t intimidated.

“She might still get back to King’s Landing. But nobody told us shit about you,” Locke said. 

Two men were holding Brienne’s arms behind her back, but she managed to pull her right arm out of their grasp and punch the man holding it in his face. The other one reacted quickly, raising his knee high and kicking her in her belly. Brienne groaned and tried to slam her head against his, but the first man had recovered from her punch and hit her in the face. Brienne’s head flew backwards and they grabbed her arms again, dragging her out of Cersei’s sight while Brienne kept kicking and punching everywhere she could.

The noises became weaker and weaker as Brienne was dragged further into the forest, but Cersei never stopped hearing her screams.

Brienne would get herself and Cersei killed trying to fight those pigs. It wasn't worth it. Cersei had to act quickly.

Locke had stayed around, guarding Cersei’s tree. She called out his name.

“Why bother with her?” Cersei began. “She’ll have killed half your men before they could lay their hands on her.” 

Locke scoffed. 

Cersei tried again. “Brienne the Beauty. Is that who you want? Would you not rather have the queen instead?” 

They would have her regardless, she knew. She hoped with all her heart Brienne had killed them all by now and they could both escape unscathed, but she couldn’t count on it.

She tilted her head and ran her tongue across her lips. That always made Jaime go crazy.

She heard Brienne screaming in the distance. The sound made the air turn cold and Cersei shivered. 

“Let her go. I’ll please you more than she ever could.” Cersei tried her hardest to hide her disgust. She heard Jaime’s voice in her head. _Go away inside_. 

Locke looked at her. All men looked at her that way. Even Jaime did, sometimes. When she was young, it made her feel disgusting, but now she didn’t feel anything anymore. 

“Alright. Bring her back!” he shouted to his men. 

Cersei sighed in relief. She wasn’t guaranteed they wouldn’t try again after they were done with her, but at least she had bought Brienne some time.

“After tonight, let us go. My father and my son would pay you more gold than you could ever imagine if you were the one who let the queen return home.” 

Brienne came back, still struggling against the grasp of the men holding her. She looked unharmed, save from a few new bruises on her face. They forced her to sit down and tied her up against her tree again. She spat on the ground and balled her fists, looking at Cersei and Locke in utter anger and confusion.

“The Lannisters will win this war. My brother is still fighting, and so are my father and son. We have the numbers, we have the gold… You’re fighting for a losing cause. The winning cause is far more… rewarding,” Cersei whispered in a low voice.

Locke nodded. “Join us,” he said, ordering a few of his men to come to Cersei’s tree and unchain her.

Brienne frowned and silently shook her head at Cersei, but Cersei ignored her. She’d promised these bastards everything they’d probably ever wanted. She and Brienne would get to return to King's Landing in the morning.

They pulled her up and helped her walk towards a small stone table. She felt the heat of their fire on her back. 

_Close your eyes, and go away_.

She felt someone kick the back of her knee and she fell forward, her forearms resting on the cold stone. Despite the fire, her skin froze for a second time that night. 

A large, rough hand grabbed her braid and pulled her head back, exposing her neck. Jaime loved to kiss her neck. His lips were always soft. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine Jaime was with her now, running his fingers through her hair and telling her how beautiful and loved she was. 

It didn't work. From the corner of her eye, she saw a huge, sharp knife being drawn. Her dress would be ruined by tomorrow morning. But the knife stayed high, and her clothes weren’t torn.

The knife swiftly and viciously sliced through her braid as if it was water. It hit her neck, as well. She felt warm blood dripping into her dress. 

The wind cut into her bare neck and burned the wound and Cersei fought to hold back her tears. She bit her lip until she tasted blood. She would not let them see her cry or hear her scream.

“We’ll send this to your father instead,” Locke taunted her, dangling her long braid in front of her eyes. Cersei looked at it without blinking until her eyes burned. Locke held his knife in front of her face and pressed it into the corner of her right eye. Cersei shut her eyes and all her muscles tensed. 

The metal slashed across her cheek and Cersei screamed.


	7. can't pretend i'm not in love

Brienne heard them dragging Cersei back and chaining her up next to her. In the moonlight, she saw Cersei’s cheeks glistening with tears mixed with blood. She had only let out one scream, so cold and stark Brienne didn’t think she would ever forget it. She had failed Cersei, and by extension, lady Catelyn. She had sworn to take Cersei back safely to King's Landing. She had no idea if they would ever be safe again, or arrive in King's Landing at all.

Locke and his men laughed at Cersei. Cersei flinched and leaned as close to Brienne as she could in her chains, obviously scared they were going to hurt her again. Still mocking her, the men walked away, and Cersei turned away from Brienne.

The only thing Brienne could clearly see was her hair, not the wound on her face. Her hair now stopped just below her ears and it looked thinner, which made Cersei look more frail, too. Brienne remembered how soft and thick and golden it had felt when Cersei had let her braid it.

“Show me,” she asked softly.

Cersei ignored her. She had her hands in her lap and clenched them together nervously. Her pale white fingers were covered in the thick blood dripping from her face. Her breath was shaky and wet with tears, but she didn’t make any other sound.

Eventually, Brienne noticed Cersei’s breath became steadier as she fell asleep. Brienne closed her own eyes as well, trying to sleep, but her nightmares were even worse tonight. She dreamed of what they had tried to do to her, the panic and fear she had felt, the pain they had put her through. But in her dream, Cersei didn’t save her. 

She woke up after what couldn’t have been more than two hours. Her arms and legs hurt, not only from the chains cutting them but also from thrashing and kicking around in her nightmare. She looked beside her and saw Cersei was thankfully still asleep. 

Her tears had dried, and so had the blood on her cheek, neck and hands. The actual wound was still fresh and wet. It went from the corner of her eye to right under her ear. If Brienne couldn’t barely see the unscathed left side of her face, it would’ve looked like her entire face was cut in half and stitched back together messily. It was deep and straight, as if Locke had taken his time trying to carve out her face precisely the way he wanted.

Her hair looked worse in daylight, too. It was even thinner than Brienne had thought, and it wasn’t cut off well, so one side was longer than the other. The golden glow in her hair was smudged by the blood from the cut in her neck. 

Even in her sleep, she looked scared and small. Brienne was used to the intimidating and powerful look that suited the queen of Westeros. With her hands still folded tightly in her lap and her lips trembling even in her sleep, Cersei looked anything but intimidating.

Brienne wanted to ask for any water to help clean Cersei’s face and hands, but doing that now probably wouldn’t end well for either of them. She might try in the morning. 

She saw Cersei stirring in her sleep and thought she would wake up soon. She didn’t know if she was ready for her reaction to what had happened, if she even wanted to talk to Brienne.

Cersei’s green eyes shot open and for a moment, she had her fiery look back. Then, she seemed to realize what was going on, and she looked at Brienne, clearly in pain from the way her face twisted, and tears shot back into her eyes.

Locke and his men unchained them both from their tree minutes later and put Cersei on her own horse. They forced Brienne and her to ride behind the group again, while they sang their obnoxious songs. Cersei normally would’ve rolled her eyes at either Brienne or the group and made some sarcastic comment, but today she was quiet. 

Brienne kept watching Cersei. She was able to ride her horse, so Brienne didn’t think she was in too much pain, but she was discouraged and weakened.

Brienne tried to imagine what this must feel like for her. If they had cut Brienne’s hair and face, it wouldn’t have mattered. She would’ve been ugly either way. But Cersei was called the Light of the West for a reason. She was known as the most beautiful woman in Westeros, her golden mane a powerful sign of the royal family she belonged to. They’d taken both of that away from her.

“Cersei, talk to me,” she whispered, trying not to let the men in front of her hear her. 

Cersei didn’t reply. She stared straight ahead, continuing to meekly ride her horse. Brienne tried to inspect the wound on her face and realized it would get infected if it wasn’t cleaned soon. 

“Give me water,” she decided to shout to the front of the group.

Locke halted and raised his hand to command the others to stop. He turned his horse around and rode through the group to Brienne. 

“For her?” came his ugly, ratty, mocking voice. 

Brienne nodded and held her chained hands up, trying to force him to hand her his flask. Locke shook his head, rode closer to Cersei and poured the water over her head. Cersei didn’t even react to it.

Locke grimaced, spat on the ground and turned back to the front of the group. Brienne sighed and swore to herself she would kill him as soon as she got out of those chains. 

At night, they didn’t get chained back up to any tree. Brienne jumped off her horse herself and ran over to Cersei, trying to help her get off. Cersei ignored Brienne’s attempt at stretching out her hands to take hers and awkwardly got off the horse. 

Brienne walked behind Cersei to a rock where Cersei sat down, still trying to hide her face. She stared into the fire as if the flames could burn her wound away if she focused on them long enough. She ignored her food. 

“Eat, Cersei,” Brienne said, a slightly commanding tone in her voice. 

Cersei didn’t move. It was almost eerie how much she had changed overnight. She had been determined to get out of this alive and kill all Boltons just yesterday. Before that, she had been full of life when they practiced their sword fighting, and when she talked about Jaime or her children. That Cersei was nowhere to be found now.

“You can’t give up,” Brienne continued. “You have to take revenge. You have to see your brother and your children again.”  
She thought she saw a hint of hope in Cersei’s eyes when she heard the word ‘revenge’. 

“Like this…” Cersei stopped. Her voice was dry and painful to listen to, but at least she was finally talking. 

“Is this going to stop you? A scar on your face? Your hair will grow back. Worse things happen every day.” Brienne put more force into her voice. It had long since begun to feel wrong to berate Cersei like that, even if she deserved it often, but Brienne would not have her give up her entire life because of this.

“Easy for you to say, don’t you think?” Cersei sneered. 

“You’ll survive. You have to live.” She was still the most powerful and beautiful woman in the Seven Kingdoms anyways, even with the huge scar that would definitely form.

Cersei locked her green eyes on Brienne’s face, scanning every inch of it. 

After two minutes of silence, she picked up a piece of bread and took a bite. 

“What you did for me…” Brienne started. Before it happened, she had hoped Cersei would somehow save her, but she had feared she wouldn’t, or couldn’t. Cersei had risked herself for her. 

“Why did you do it?” Cersei had tried to tell Brienne to go away inside. She said it wouldn’t matter if she thought of Renly. Did she only help her because she knew Brienne would instantly get both of them killed if she didn’t?

Once again, Cersei ignored her. 

The air got colder and darker as they got closer to their destination. Brienne recognized Harrenhal, its high, dark, ruined towers looming over them, ever threatening them. They rode through the muddy gates where Locke stopped, with Brienne and Cersei right behind him. 

They were pushed off their horses and fell on their knees. Locke stood next to Cersei and pushed her. Cersei was thrown off balance and fell over with her face in the thick mud. 

“Lord Bolton, I bring you queen Cersei,” Locke said. 

Brienne saw Roose Bolton towering over them. He looked at Cersei, at Brienne, and then back at Locke.

“Pick her up.” 

Two men roughly forced Cersei to her feet. Even through the filth on her face, the deep cut was still visible.

“What have you done to her?” Lord Bolton demanded.

“Learned her a lesson.”

Lord Bolton looked at Brienne. She couldn’t tell if the look in his eyes was a malicious one or not. It unsettled her.

“Unchain them. You’re under my protection now,” he decided.

“Thank you, my lord,” Brienne replied coldly. As soon as she was free from her chains, she stood up, moving closer to Cersei. Cersei looked even smaller than she already was.

“Find rooms for our guests,” lord Bolton ordered his men. He turned around and walked away, but was stopped by Cersei’s soft, broken voice.

“Lord Bolton.” 

Brienne instinctively stepped even closer to her. She had already failed her oath once. She would not let Cersei get hurt again.

“Any word from the capital?” Cersei asked.

“You don’t know?” Lord Bolton replied. Brienne didn’t trust his tone at all. Not much time had passed since she was sent out with Cersei, but something about lord Bolton’s voice told her something terrible might have happened.

“Stannis Baratheon laid siege to King’s Landing. Sailed into Blackwater Bay, stormed the gates with thousands of men. And…” 

Cersei looked up. Even from just her profile, Brienne could see she was terrified. Roose Bolton took a few more steps towards her, but Cersei didn’t move a muscle.

“Your family prevailed. Your father’s forces won. Your brothers and children are safe.” 

Cersei sank to her knees.


	8. love you but i'm not in love

Cersei looked at herself in the smudged mirror. She’d been thrown into this chamber and immediately noticed the looming presence of the wooden mirror. As if it'd been put there to torture her. She’d instinctively put her hand behind her back to play with her hair, then realized it was now short and thin and ugly. 

She touched the right side of her face. It always burned. Even though her face was still covered in mud, when she retracted her hand she saw blood. The cut itself was ugly and bloody too, and would infect if she didn’t clean it soon. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying and from the filth getting into them, and her lips were chapped, as if she hadn’t drunk water in days. She looked absolutely horrible. 

Cersei thought of Jaime. How would he react? Would he caress her face and kiss her tenderly, or would he reject and abandon her? 

The wound on her face stung harder. She decided to go down to the bathhouse. 

It was dimly lit, like the rest of Harrenhal. The sun illuminated most of the tiles and baths. She noticed a person scrubbing their skin in one of the tubs. Brienne. 

“What are you doing?” Brienne asked when Cersei cleared her throat. 

“Taking a bath,” Cersei announced. 

She stayed mostly hidden in the shadows and took her dress off. The blood from her neck and face had even soaked her smallclothes. Brienne wasn’t looking at her, but she had moved further into the corner of her tub.

Even her body felt different now that she saw it again for the first time in months. The sword training had made her stronger and rougher. Her arms and legs were toned and her stomach felt hard when she touched it. She felt she really didn’t mind those changes. 

“There’s another tub-” Brienne said when Cersei took her smallclothes off as well and wanted to join Brienne.

“Clean up my face for me? I won’t see what I’m doing,” Cersei interrupted her, stepping into the hot water. 

Brienne, clearly confused, nodded and motioned for Cersei to get closer. She seemed to shrink into the water. Cersei only saw the top of her shoulders. Only slightly less muscular than she had expected. 

Brienne took a new sponge and dipped it into the water. She focused on Cersei’s cheek and carefully touched it. Cersei flinched and Brienne took her hand away immediately.

“Does that hurt?” 

Cersei shut her eyes. The hot water burned it intensely, but she shook her head. 

“Continue.” 

Brienne raised the sponge again and Cersei clenched her teeth until the pain seemed to become more bearable. Brienne lifted her chin with one finger and cleaned her neck up as well. Cersei’s skin tingled wherever Brienne touched her. The sponge travelled lower until it reached her collarbone, and went up again. 

Brienne had her hand on the back of Cersei’s head, her fingers softly tangled in her hair for stability. She thought she would hate anyone touching her short hair, but this was soothing. Cersei almost wanted to lean down in the water and fall asleep. She closed her eyes and only felt the warm water, the soft sponge, and Brienne's breath on her skin. 

The sponge stopped. Cersei opened her eyes and saw Brienne looking at her with wide eyes. 

“I’m finished,” she said, “I think you can do the rest yourself.” Once again, she curled up in the corner of the tub and seemed to want to disappear.

Cersei found it strange, but she moved away from Brienne into another corner. The wind blew into the bathhouse from an open window and Cersei shivered. Especially her back and shoulders weren’t used to the cold. She always used to just wrap her hair or furs around herself. 

She looked at her hands. The blood even got under her nails. She tried to rub them clean the best she could, as she did with her arms. All the while, she saw Brienne staring at her through her eyelashes.

Her cut still hurt, and it had probably already started to bleed again. The pain made her feel dizzy.

“Catch me if I faint,” she told Brienne. 

Brienne had her arms wrapped around her knees. Cersei leaned backwards and let the hot water wash over her scalp, taking extra care to wash the blood out of her hair. When she was done, Brienne still sat up like that, looking uncomfortable and annoyed.

“I won’t do anything,” Cersei said, “you don’t really compare to Jaime.” 

It didn’t get any less awkward. Brienne blushed for some strange reason Cersei couldn’t understand.

“Lord Bolton has asked us to join him for dinner tonight. We’ll discuss when he’s going to let us go,” Brienne said softly.

Cersei nodded. She refused to spend another day away from King’s Landing. 

“I’ll make Jaime kill everyone who wronged us. Starting with the Starks.” 

Brienne stood up immediately. The water splashed around her and her eyes bored into Cersei’s in the angriest way Cersei had probably ever seen.

She couldn’t help but notice her body was less masculine without her huge armor or tunic and pants. She looked even taller now, and she was too muscular, but her arms looked soft enough, as did her thighs. Cersei tried to lift her face up again to look Brienne in the eyes, but her body refused. 

She sighed deeply. She had no energy left to fight. 

“Forgive me.” 

Brienne shot her one last look and sat down. 

“I trust you. Don’t let the Kingslayer harm them.” 

“Kingslayer…” Cersei said with a hint of a smile. “You haven’t called him that before. Not in my presence, at least.” 

Brienne didn’t say anything.

“He’s never told anyone the whole story, has he? Anyone, except for me. The story of the day he gave everything up to save those ungrateful selfish cowards.” 

“What do you mean?” Brienne asked. 

“Jaime says he can still hear the Mad King screaming ‘burn them all’ over and over again. You’ve heard of wildfire, haven’t you? Aerys Targaryen loved it. Loved to burn people, to hear their screams. Jaime was forced to stand guard for years as he burned everyone who was against him. One day, he found out there was enough wildfire underneath King’s Landing to blow it to bits.” 

Cersei’s voice became softer and angrier with every word. 

“When our father sacked the city, Jaime begged the Mad King to surrender. He didn’t listen. Instead, he demanded Jaime bring him our father’s head. Would you have kept your oaths if your precious Renly had asked that of you?” 

Brienne couldn’t answer.

“So Jaime killed him. To protect a million innocent people.” And what did he get? A lifetime of ridicule from the lowest peasants in the country to the highest lords and ladies in court. Cersei couldn’t care less about the people, especially not after she’d seen what they’d done to Jaime.

“Jaime was the only one who was there for me during our childhood. Our mother died giving birth to my youngest brother. We were children. Our father has never been the same again. I remember my mother’s face vividly. I remember her corpse, too. The way it looked, the way it smelled. Jaime was the only one who would protect me and comfort me whenever I needed him. He was the only one who truly understood.”

“When I was nineteen, my father made me marry king Robert. I never expected him to love me. Jaime was the only one whose love I ever needed. But he moaned Lyanna Stark’s name in my ear on our wedding night. Since then, not a day went by where I didn’t hate him. He abused me. Hit me more times than I could count. If for once he wasn’t too drunk to even find his way into our bed, he raped me. Jaime, again, was the only one I could always count on. Robert liked to make him stand guard while he fucked his whores. To humiliate him, and me.”

Brienne’s eyes kept getting wider.

“Don’t look so shocked. This is what the real world is like. Outside of gallant knights and brave lords and pretty ladies.”

Cersei faced away from Brienne. 

“I only have Jaime. Him and my children, though I don’t know for how long I’ll have them anymore.” Her voice broke.

“Jaime wouldn’t leave you,” Brienne said. 

“I don’t mean him.”

“When I was ten, my friend and I went to see this fortune teller, you see. Maggy the Frog was her name. Ugly old witch. I was obsessed with Rhaegar Targaryen. I wanted nothing more than to know if I’d marry him. Maggy drew my blood first, and allowed me three questions. ‘Will I marry the prince?’ I asked her. She told me that no, I wouldn’t. ‘Will I be queen?’ I continued. Yes, she said, I would marry the king instead of the prince, and bear him three children. Gold their crowns, and gold their shrouds. And I wouldn’t get to be queen for long. Someone younger, and more beautiful, would cast me down and take all that I hold dear.”

Cersei’s head hurt. She felt dizzier and only now noticed how tense her body had been the entire time. The room began to turn as she became more sick and she lay down on her back, closing her eyes. She vaguely felt Brienne wrapping her gentle arms around her shoulders and waist before the room went black.

When she woke up, Brienne helped her put her clothes back on. From the way Brienne looked at her, Cersei would almost believe she didn’t look hideous now. It was a strange look to Cersei, but she felt herself staring at Brienne as well.

They were brought back to their own rooms where they had laid out a new dress for Cersei. It was long and thick, the purple fabric dark and heavy. Cersei touched it and considered just leaving her own dress on, but she had to change. She needed too much help cinching it and getting everything to fit right for her liking. She just wanted to be left alone and go home.

When she looked in the mirror, she didn’t recognize herself anymore. It was the type of dress she would have worn before she’d been captured, but her face was that of a stranger. The violent wound crossing her cheek stood out even more against her clean, rich dress. She couldn’t do anything with her thin hair. 

She closed her eyes briefly and breathed in. She would need to get through one dinner, and hopefully they would both be on their way home by tomorrow morning. She heard a knock on her door and opened it to see Brienne, awkwardly standing in a long, pink dress with fur around its plunging neckline. It was clearly too revealing for Brienne’s tastes. She awkwardly fumbled with it and tried to pull it up. Cersei was surprised it even fit, considering her height.

“Don’t mock me,” Brienne said. 

“Wasn’t planning on it.” 

Cersei felt just as ridiculous as Brienne did. 

Two guards came to Cersei’s door and pointed them the right way. Lord Bolton was already present, welcoming them to dinner.

Cersei and Brienne sat down next to each other. If it was up to Cersei, they would be done here within five minutes and go home instantly, but she knew she had to stay calm.

“I’m glad you two are wearing something appropriate,” lord Bolton said. Cersei thought his tone resembled her father’s sometimes.

“Yes. You and your men are most kind, my lord,” Brienne replied before Cersei could say anything she would regret. “Lord Bolton, you’re a Stark bannerman. Lady Stark ordered me to take her Grace to King’s Landing.” 

“There are many who would pay a great sum of money for her,” lord Bolton said, staring directly into Brienne’s eyes. 

“We all know who’d pay the most,” Cersei said carefully.

“True. Letting you go would be the wisest decision. Second only to killing you both.” 

“Without my father or son noticing?” Cersei asked. From the corner of her eye, she noticed Brienne tightening her grip on her knife and put her hand on hers to calm her down.

Lord Bolton looked at her and Cersei stared back. 

“I will let you go if you tell your father and son I had nothing to do with what happened to you,” he decided. “Tell them I let you return to King’s Landing.”

“Alright.” Cersei picked up her cup of wine. She’d missed it. 

“To more adventures,” she told Brienne, faking a cheerful smile.

“She won’t be going with you,” lord Bolton said. 

“My lord, I swore lady Stark to take her to King’s Landing,” Brienne protested immediately.

“I insist she comes with me,” Cersei said. 

“You will not demand anything of me,” lord Bolton said, boring his eyes into theirs. He nodded curtly and stood up, leaving Brienne and Cersei defeated.

Cersei was ordered to meet with lord Bolton in private later that night. She would be leaving in the morning, with some of his best knights to protect her. She tried to ask him to let Brienne come with her one more time, but he would hear none of it.

Cersei tried to knock on Brienne’s chambers, but the door was already open. Cersei stepped inside and locked it behind her. Brienne was facing away from her, still in her ridiculous pink dress. 

“I thought you already left,” she said, not looking at Cersei. Her voice sounded like she’d been crying. 

“I’ll leave tomorrow. I just came to say goodbye.”

“Did they tell you what they plan to do to me?” Brienne asked. She tried to hide her fear and sadness, but they shone through. When Cersei had first met her, she didn’t think she was even capable of fear and sadness.

“You’ll stay here. Lord Bolton will leave for Edmure Tully’s wedding tomorrow.” 

“Stay here. With Locke,” Brienne said. Her voice was nothing but loathing now.

Cersei lowered her eyes. She would drive a sword through Locke’s ugly skull herself if she had to. 

Brienne walked over to her bed and reached under it, pulling out a sword. The sword Cersei used to practice with.

“I have been hiding this since yesterday night. Keep it. Hide it somewhere so they won’t find it tomorrow. I want you to have it, you might need it.” 

Brienne rested the sword on her palms and let Cersei take it off them. She felt alive again, for the first time in days. 

“I can’t hide it anywhere, though,” she said. 

“Your dress is long enough. Or ask for a coat. Please just try to take it. I want you to be safe. Remember everything I taught you. You’re good enough to win a fight if you focus.” 

“Thank you,” Cersei said. 

Brienne smiled sadly. “Think of Jaime and your children. You’ll be alright.” 

Cersei nodded, tears welling up in her eyes. She tried to subtly wipe them away.

"Goodbye, Cersei." 

"Goodbye," Cersei replied. 

Neither of them moved. Cersei looked Brienne up and down as if she needed to memorize every inch of her. Her eyes rested on her lips. Since their bath, something had changed. She felt it in the way Brienne looked at her, as well. She moved a little closer to Brienne and tilted her head sideways. Brienne smelled better after their bath. Her hair was thick and soft and her eyes were the brightest shade of blue and her skin was soft and- 

"Cersei," Brienne snapped. "Go back to Jaime." 

Cersei breathed in sharply and nodded. She opened the door and walked away without looking back.


	9. tell me that you'd die without me

Cersei cursed her new long dress. She could barely move in this thing, let alone ride a horse or fight if she had to. It was too hot to ask for a coat, too, but she had to try and hide her sword somewhere. 

Once she had it on and her sword was safely tucked away, she looked in the mirror for probably the last time until King’s Landing.

The wound on her face was starting to turn into a scar. A thick, red, ugly scar crossing half of her face, ruining her. She remembered Brienne’s fingers softly touching it to clean up around it. She could only hope Jaime would treat it the same way.

She went out of her room and considered going into Brienne’s. She’d spent hours awake last night thinking about what had happened between them. Brienne had pushed her away and Cersei couldn’t understand why. She also couldn’t understand why she had leaned in in the first place.

No. It would be better to leave her alone. To forget this ever happened and return to Jaime and her children.

Lord Bolton’s men were waiting for her outside. They helped her onto her horse and rode off. Cersei looked at the castle once more, trying to find Brienne somewhere, but she couldn’t see her.

They rode for hours until the sun was burning Cersei’s face and making her exhausted. She called for her men to stop and rest for a while. 

They made a fire and Cersei found a spot under a huge tree.

She fell into a restless sleep. 

The first thing she felt was her hair. It danced across her back like soft, rich velvet and she reached around to touch it. It shimmered in her hand like gold. Her hand went up and touched her cheek. She felt no scar. 

She was back in Maggy’s tent, she realized, only she was older now. She somehow knew exactly what was coming. She walked further into the tent and could even smell the horrible scent that had been there all those years ago. She was alone now. She heard her footsteps, she heard her heart beating faster and she heard her breath becoming heavier as she got closer to her destination.

Where Maggy would have been, she saw only a thick mist. She reached out and let her fingers brush against it, but it burned and Cersei screamed out in pain. The mist cleared in front of her and she saw three golden crowns resting at her feet. 

The middle one, the biggest, was decorated with stags. Black liquid dripped from its horns. 

The right one was smaller and broken, golden adorned with green. 

The left one was the smallest. It was a simple tiara similar to the ones Cersei would always wear. It was Lannister gold and Lannister crimson, covered with Lannister lions. 

To Cersei, the tiara was the most unsettling.

She turned around and looked behind her. She saw Joffrey first, laying on the cold floor with an equally cold look in his eyes. Next to him was his brother Tommen, so young, but older than he was supposed to be. His opened eyes faced a golden flower. Myrcella was right in front of her, at Joffrey’s feet. Her face was pale and her hair was long and golden like Cersei’s own. Her eyes were closed. None of them were breathing.

Still, there was no sign of Maggy the Frog. Cersei could only see so far through the mist as it would let her, but eventually she noticed a vague glimpse of a tall blonde figure walking towards her. _Jaime._ She closed her eyes, but didn’t move. He would come to her, he always did. He was coming to save her.

Jaime wrapped his arms around her tightly and breathed her in, holding his hands in her hair and kissing her forehead. Cersei whimpered, yearning to pull him in closer and kiss him, but Jaime stopped abruptly.

Cersei opened her eyes and was met by two strikingly blue eyes. As if the heavens had come down to place themselves here. 

Brienne looked over Cersei’s shoulder and drew her sword. She wasn’t dressed in her ridiculous dress anymore, but she was in armor. Lannister armor, Cersei recognized.

Cersei felt an ice cold hand on her shoulder creeping up to her neck and froze, not daring to look around because she knew she would know their face.

She closed her eyes and heard Brienne’s sword slice through the air.

It wasn’t enough. Cold figures surrounded them, their eerie ice blue eyes piercing Cersei’s skin to her bones. 

Jaime was among them. He had his eyes fixed on Cersei. He walked towards her slowly and reached out, almost touching her face when Brienne raised her sword again. Everything went black around Cersei.

She woke up thinking only of Brienne. She had to go back.

Cersei stood up and found the group of Bolton men sitting around a fire together. 

“What are they going to do to her?” she demanded.

They simply shrugged. 

“I don’t think they care a lot,” one of them answered. “She’ll entertain them tonight. Tomorrow night too, maybe.”

“Entertain?” Cersei asked, but the men ignored her.

“Alright. We’re going back to Harrenhal.” 

“Absolutely not. Lord Bolton ordered us to take you to the capital.” 

“And what do you think will happen to you once you bring me back? Do you think I wouldn’t make my father turn right back to Harrenhal and kill every last one of you? Do you think whatever reward your lord has promised you will help you then?” 

“You promised-”

“The first thing they’re going to ask once I’m back is what happened to me. Should I tell them you saved me from worse? Or should I tell them you cut my hair and face and threatened to have me killed?” 

“None of us had anything to do with that.” 

“My family will give you a reward bigger than lord Bolton could ever dream of. And I’m sure lord Selwyn Tarth won’t be disappointed either.”

Cersei looked the knights into their eyes one by one.

“We’re going back.” 

Cersei turned around, climbed on her horse and rode fast, far ahead of the others. 

By the time she saw Harrenhal again, it was the early evening and the air was growing colder again. But at least she’d made it back.

Cersei frantically looked around once she rode through the gates. There was nobody there to welcome her. In the distance, she vaguely heard a cheerful song, but she couldn’t make out the words.

It’s a start, she thought, and she climbed off her horse and ran towards the sound as fast as her long dress would let her. 

Cersei had a bad feeling about it all, but she kept running. She jumped up a flight of wooden stairs and saw countless people standing around a pit, cheering. Cersei stood behind them for a few seconds, trying to think and figure out what was going on, then started looking for Locke. 

Eventually, she found him, cheering on whatever was going on down in the pit and laughing. 

“What is the meaning of this?” she asked, trying to pretend she should be here. 

Locke turned and almost spat at Cersei’s face. 

“Thought you might like this. Look.” He gave Cersei a nudge forward until she stood at the edge of the pit.

The first thing she saw was Brienne. She was holding a tiny, wooden sword in front of her, her hair was messy, her ugly pink dress torn and her hands and face were covered in blood. 

The next thing she saw was the bear. It was huge, it was angry and it was going to try to kill Brienne. 

“Why?” she mumbled. Then she turned around and said it again with an ice cold tone in her voice. 

Locke only laughed. 

“Only a wooden sword?” Cersei asked. 

“She held most of my best men off without any weapons at all,” Locke said. 

“Let her go. Lord Selwyn Tarth would pay you your weight in gold if you let her return to Tarth. And so would my family. You know that.” 

“Gold is the only thing you think matters. The sight of that-” Locke pointed at the bear pit, “and the sight of that-” he roughly brushed over the scar on Cersei’s face, “make me happier than your gold ever could.” 

“What else would make you happy?” Cersei tried. She needed to get Brienne out of there. 

Locke scoffed. “That won’t work anymore, your Grace.” Even the way he said her title made her cringe and feel ugly. “That’s another thing that makes me happy,” he continued.

The bear charged at Brienne and slashed her arm. Brienne fell down and screamed in pain. It instantly started bleeding heavily. 

Cersei remembered the sword she had hidden under her coat. It was almost as if Brienne had known this would happen.

She yelled out Brienne’s name as she drew her sword, and threw it into the pit as far away from the bear and as close to Brienne as she could. Brienne looked up and Cersei pointed down. 

Brienne ran towards the sword and picked it up right as the bear charged at her once again. 

Brienne tried to dodge the bear's attacks and find a spot to stick her sword into, but its fur was too thick and it was too fast. Cersei started to panic. Around her, Locke and his men realized she had stolen a sword and given it to Brienne. They cornered her against the barrier around the pit.

The bear growled at Brienne and stuck out its paw to hit her. Brienne raised her sword and let it fall down on its paw. It didn't do much except hurt the bear, and it backed off in pain. Not for long, though.

It regained itself and ran after Brienne. She dodged an attack and managed to stab the bear in its skull, but even that didn't do much.

Brienne ran over to Cersei, who screamed at Locke to let her out of the pit or she would go down there herself.

The bear was right behind Brienne and stuck out its paw one last time. It hit her on her neck down to her chest and Brienne screamed. She dropped the sword on the ground and started climbing up the walls of the pit.

Cersei looked at Locke defiantly until he gave in and let two of his men lean down into the pit to help pull Brienne out, while others tried to shoot the bear to throw it off.

Once Brienne stood safely next to Cersei again, Cersei saw how huge the wound on her shoulder was. Four deep claw marks, each bleeding heavily down into her dress. But at least she was alive, and Cersei would not be leaving Harrenhal without her again. 

Cersei knew that if Brienne had a sword now, she would've killed Locke immediately. Cersei would've done it herself, too. She hoped she would get the chance someday.

"We won't be needing anyone," Cersei told Locke. "Sorry about that gold." 

Locke had his hand on the hilt of his sword, but didn't pull it out. 

Brienne walked besides Cersei to the gates. There were still multiple horses waiting for someone to pick them up.

While they rode out of Harrenhal, Brienne looked at Cersei. Her arms and shoulder were covered in wounds and blood. They would need to clean that up as soon as they could.

"Why did you come back?" Brienne asked.

Cersei hesitated.

_I dreamed of you._


	10. you're all i've been dreaming of

After spending another three nights sleeping in open fields, they decided to try to find an inn. Sleeping in nice beds for once wouldn't hurt either of them. 

They needed new clothes made somewhere as well, and quickly. Riding their horses was at best annoying in their long dresses, and Brienne looked more uncomfortable by the minute. 

Near the end of the first day, the claw marks on Brienne's shoulder had finally stopped bleeding. Her chest was red, as was the bodice of her dress. 

The longer Cersei looked at the marks, the angrier she got. She should've killed Locke first and then thrown the sword down. She would make Jaime hunt him down. If she ever met him in person again, she vowed to herself he wouldn't survive it no matter what. 

Neither of them spoke a lot. They were getting more tired every day. Cersei didn’t really understand what she’d done wrong, but whenever she said anything, Brienne didn't speak clearly. She averted her eyes a lot whenever Cersei rode closer to her. 

So Cersei spent her ride thinking about what would happen once she arrived back home. 

No doubt her father would announce her new marriage. No doubt he'd be angry with her for letting herself get hurt the way she did. What if nobody wanted her anymore, he would say. What was she gonna do about the future of house Lannister then? 

Jaime, she hoped, would look past her scar and short hair. Cersei had spent much time imagining what she would do if he came to her so wounded. She wouldn't like it, she knew. She hoped Jaime was different in that respect.

She supposed she would have to face Tyrion again, too. At least she would never be as grotesque as him. 

She hated not hearing anything from her city. She would sometimes catch little snippets of conversations, but never enough. 

She wondered if Brienne was going back to Tarth after bringing her home. If she went back to the Starks, she would be at war with the Lannisters. With Cersei. She couldn't shake off how wrong that felt.

When they finally arrived in a small village, they started looking for the nearest inn that would let them in.

The innkeeper informed them there was only one room available. Cersei was about to refuse, but Brienne accepted before she could say anything. 

Cersei sighed. She had been looking forward to spending just one night alone at this point. 

The room was small. Cersei only saw one bed. 

"Thank you," she sneered at Brienne, but she couldn’t really get herself to comment any more than that. 

"You can sleep outside if you want." 

"No." 

“I’ll sleep on the floor, by the fire.” 

Brienne looked into her eyes for a few moments, and Cersei rolled hers. It seemed stupid to refuse her a bed when they’d done so much for each other already. 

"No, you don’t have to. We'll share." 

Brienne nodded and Cersei sat down on the edge of the bed. It was big enough so they wouldn’t have to stay close to each other, and it was soft. Cersei would fall asleep instantly.

Brienne fumbled with her dress again. It was starting to smell from the dried up blood and dirt caught in it. 

“I have to clean this up,” she said, and walked out of their room.

Cersei followed her. She’d seen a bathhouse on their way, and she wouldn’t mind one more proper bath either.

It turned out to be a rather large bathhouse. To their surprise, it was mostly empty, save for three men a few tubs over. 

Brienne turned away from Cersei and took her dress off. She looked much better without it. At least it wasn't such an unfortunate awkward sight anymore. 

Brienne tried to hide herself from Cersei's view anyways and quickly got into the nearest tub. Cersei let her own heavy dress fall to the ground and immediately felt better. She left the ugly thing alone for someone to pick up and got into the tub. 

This time, Brienne looked slightly more comfortable with Cersei in the same bathtub. She picked up a sponge and tried to clean the blood off her chest. Her scars were huge and deep, but Cersei couldn't take her eyes off of them. 

Brienne kept missing certain spots on her body and Cersei moved over. The water splashed around them and bared Brienne's chest just slightly. It gave Cersei a strange tingling feeling in her stomach. 

"Let me help," she offered, holding up her hand. "You're not getting everything off." 

Brienne gave her the sponge. 

Cersei placed her hand on the unharmed side of Brienne's neck. She moved in closer and let her leg brush against Brienne's. She almost didn't notice it. 

She moved the sponge up to her shoulder and softly brushed it around her scars. Because of the dried up blood, she had to put pressure on it sometimes. Brienne bit her lip and let out a soft little sound whenever she did. The feeling in Cersei's stomach got stronger.

Once it was cleaned up, Cersei put the sponge away, but didn't take her hand off Brienne's neck. She searched Brienne's eyes as if asking for permission, but didn't really wait for that before trailing her fingers over the scars. 

Brienne bit her lip again. Cersei noticed the scars went down even further than she'd thought. 

Her fingers went down until she reached the soft swell of Brienne's breast. She still didn't take her fingers off, couldn't, for some reason, but they did stop moving. She looked down at her hand. She saw little water droplets on her fingers and Brienne's skin. They fascinated her. 

Brienne sat up straighter. The water flowed around her chest, sometimes leaving it bare for a moment. Her breasts were smaller than Cersei's. Unbidden, her fingers went just a little lower. 

"Thank you," Brienne said. Cersei moved her hand away as if she'd been stung and thought Brienne's voice over. It sounded like it was hard for her to say that. 

"We'll go back," Brienne continued. When she got out of the tub, Cersei noticed how muscular her back was. Like Jaime's, but softer. Everything about Brienne was softer.

"You have to get new clothes tomorrow," Cersei said once Brienne had put her dress back on. Cersei's eyes stayed fixed on her deep neckline. 

They went back to the inn with Cersei feeling very confused. She only ever felt like this with Jaime. She had been so long away from him, she was becoming delusional. King's Landing wasn't that far away anymore. When she got home, Jaime would make her forget about Brienne instantly. 

The crescent moon stood directly above their inn, Cersei noticed. The stars shone more brightly around here. 

Brienne took the left side of the bed. She apparently already understood Cersei's idea of sleeping on opposite sides, as she moved as far away from Cersei as she could. She was still facing her.

Cersei lay down on her back, staring at the dark ceiling. She was hungry, and that other feeling still wouldn't leave her stomach. With Jaime, she'd know what to do. But Jaime wasn't here.

"Thank you," Brienne whispered. "I don't know if I've even thanked you yet."

"You couldn't reach-" 

"No, for saving me, again. You didn't have to." 

"You only hate Locke almost as much as I do," Cersei said. 

She felt Brienne reach out and stop near her head. "May I?" 

Cersei nodded in the darkness and whispered her consent. 

Brienne touched her hair softly. She brushed her fingers through it and Cersei felt her touch on her cheek and shoulder. 

"It will grow back. He can't take anything else from you anymore." 

"Jaime." 

"Would he not accept this?" Brienne asked. 

"I don't know." Cersei admitted. She felt a salty tear roll down her cheek. She didn't know what she would do if Jaime turned her away.

"You're still… beautiful. You know that," Brienne said softly. “A scar won’t take that away from you.”

Cersei's heart stopped. 

"Jaime wouldn't turn you away. No one would." 

Jaime, Jaime, Jaime. She had to think of him or she would do something she would absolutely come to regret.

In the light of the two faint candles behind them, Brienne could be beautiful. Not the kind of beautiful that would make Cersei jealous. Not the kind of beautiful she would find a way to ruin. For the first time she could remember since her mother passed away, Cersei didn’t feel like she had to compete with someone. Brienne wouldn’t try to take anything from her. She just lay here, soft and innocent. 

Brienne was _good._ She sometimes wished she could say that about herself. When Myrcella was born and grew up, she had sometimes thought to herself that maybe if she’d made something so good and pure, she wasn’t a monster. With Brienne, she found herself thinking if someone so good could care for her, maybe that was true. 

Cersei blew out her candle. Moments later, Brienne did the same with hers. They lay in complete darkness for a while, Cersei still very much aware of Brienne's hand so close to her head. 

_Jaime._ She had to keep thinking of him. 

She tried to close her eyes and sleep and dream of him, but green eyes turned into blue and she was laughing into white blonde hair and she leaned in to kiss soft skin around soft lips. 

Her dream changed and they were back in a bathtub, Cersei's leg once again resting against Brienne's and her hand on her neck, but she moved to sit on her lap and moved her hand to her hair, grabbing it tightly and moving her lips down- 

She felt herself waking up and barely consciously turned around in her bed and softly rolled over Brienne's stretched out arm into her chest. She was big and soft and warm. She vaguely noticed Brienne wrapping her other arm around her waist and she buried her head in Brienne's chest before falling into a deep dreamless sleep.

When she woke up, it was the first thing Cersei noticed. She had moved her hand between them as well, so it rested against Brienne's stomach. Brienne held her tight around her waist. 

Cersei tried to get out of their position without waking Brienne up yet, but that proved impossible. 

"Oh. I must've had a nightmare. Twisted around," Cersei said. Brienne almost looked hurt. 

"Are you alright?" she asked. 

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" Cersei replied. She couldn’t really look at Brienne. 

They had breakfast in silence and went on their way again. Cersei couldn't stop thinking about last night. She remembered her dreams vividly, both of them. She really had been too long away from Jaime. He would absolutely laugh at her if she ever told him about this, which she wouldn’t do. Jaime had no business knowing. If he wouldn’t laugh, he would get angry. 

In their next inn, her dreams didn't go away. She had asked for Brienne to stay with her because of the cold. Actually, she needed to know what was wrong with her. If it had been a one time thing, or if it would happen again, and why. 

She dreamed of Casterly Rock. Jaime and her were children, playing in the sea like they always did. She was taller than Jaime still, and Jaime wrapped his arms around her and threw her into the water with him. He kissed her cheek and smiled brightly when they got up again. Their mother was watching them, a sweet, proud look in her eyes. She was pregnant. 

The dream clouded over once Cersei noticed that and she felt herself grow taller and bigger until it cleared again and she was still in the sea around the Rock. Jaime and her mother were gone, and instead she looked down and saw her adult body and another shape in the water. She swam towards the person, not knowing why she felt the urge to do so, and felt strong but gentle arms pick her up and carry her out of the water. Brienne laughed and placed her beside her on a rock, closing her eyes and stroking Cersei's long hair and leaning in…

Cersei had her arms wrapped around Brienne this time, her face pressed into her neck.

She pulled her arms away and sat up straight, rubbing her eyes. _What_ was happening to her? She normally didn’t even wake up to Jaime like this, on the rare occasions they were able to sleep together. She liked being held by Jaime. She preferred it to sleeping alone. She hadn’t yet decided if she liked _this._

They got on their horses again and rode for miles. Cersei noticed the surroundings were starting to resemble those around King’s Landing more and more. Good. 

They rode through a small city and stopped in a tavern to eat. While they were waiting, Cersei overheard a few men loudly talking and drinking. 

“The Young Wolf is dead!” Cersei caught. It took her a moment to process. From the corner of her eye, she saw Brienne put her cup down and froze. 

Cersei couldn’t, and didn’t want to resist smiling, but she turned her face away from Brienne. 

“They shot him-” their talking was drowned out by the other noises from the tavern, but Cersei caught some fragments. 

“Slit his mother’s throat-” 

That caught Cersei off guard. She looked over at Brienne, who stared at the men without blinking. 

“Excuse me,” she said. She stood up abruptly and walked out of the tavern.

Cersei hesitated. Where could she possibly go? She wouldn’t leave Cersei. She would not follow Brienne. 

The men laughed. Suddenly, it didn’t seem all that funny to Cersei anymore. 

She stood up, straightened her dress and went outside. 

She noticed one of their horses was already gone. She climbed on the other one and rode further down past the tiny red houses, quickly leaving the city until she got off the road and arrived in an open field again. It was surrounded by thick trees and Cersei had no idea which way King’s Landing actually was. 

She rode around in the forest for a while, calling out Brienne’s name. She got no reaction. Ultimately, she decided to go back to the field and wait for her there. She would have to come back at some point. She tied her horse to a tree and sat down nearby, trying to hide herself well enough so nobody who wasn’t looking for her would find her. 

It was getting dark already when she finally heard a horse behind her. Fear sparked her heart for just a second, but of course it was Brienne. Her eyes were red and her lips were puffy. 

“I’m sorry,” was the first thing she said.

Cersei stood up and softly smiled at her. 

“Are you alright?” 

Brienne sniffed and looked up, trying not to let her eyes tear up again. 

“Did you hear how it happened?” she asked.

Cersei looked down. “No,” she answered. 

“A massacre at Edmure Tully’s wedding. Lord Bolton and Lord Walder Frey were behind it. King Robb and his wife were murdered, as was lady Catelyn.” 

Cersei’s heart sank, weirdly. She knew she should be happy her enemies were dead. But looking at Brienne, she didn’t know how anyone could feel happy.

“Lord Bolton almost warned us,” Brienne said. “I remember you told me he would leave for the wedding.”

Cersei remembered. She had felt suspicious about that conversation. His tone had felt off, . He had obviously known all along he would murder everyone at the wedding. He’d sounded so smug. At the time, Cersei had just brushed it off, thinking it was because he’d successfully imprisoned Brienne and secured a reward from Cersei’s father for bringing her back to King’s Landing.

She felt sick now, looking at Brienne. Her voice broke with every word. Cersei realized if Catelyn hadn’t sent Brienne with her to King’s Landing, Brienne would’ve been at the massacre as well. She hoped Brienne herself hadn’t realized that yet.

“Why would they…” Brienne asked, looking at Cersei but obviously not seeing her, judging from the way her eyes glossed over with tears. 

Cersei didn’t know what to say. She slowly moved her hands towards Brienne’s shoulders and pushed her down softly, making her sit on the ground. Cersei sat down next to her. Their arms brushed against each other. 

“It’s getting late,” Cersei said. “You need to rest.” 

Brienne nodded and rubbed her eyes. Her breath was still shaky and her eyes must hurt from crying. Cersei quickly tied Brienne’s horse next to hers and came back to her. 

Brienne reached out to Cersei and Cersei couldn’t refuse her. She let Brienne wrap her arms around her and hold her to her chest. Cersei heard her heartbeat slow down with her breathing as she fell asleep. Brienne rested her head on Cersei’s softly and Cersei relaxed in her embrace. 

They slept in and woke up near midday. She took Brienne’s hand to try and help her up and they rode off again. King’s Landing was barely two days away now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for updating so randomly all the time, anyway i hope you enjoyed cliche gay shit :)))


	11. be mine in reality

King’s Landing rose up before Cersei. In the distance, she saw the large red towers of her castle. She looked around. Everything seemed the same as she remembered, yet the city didn’t welcome her home.

Brienne stood next to her, almost brushing their hands together. It calmed Cersei down, reassured her everything would be alright. She was safe now, even if she wasn’t sure she liked that. She was scared. Of what Jaime would say, mostly.

The air was thick around here, and it stank, and none of that made Cersei want to go into the city. 

“Go on,” Brienne whispered. “They’re waiting for you.” 

Cersei nodded, blinked away some tears welling up in her eyes, and walked ahead of Brienne. She never looked back to see if Brienne was following her. She had to be, she would have to find lady Sansa and lady Arya, but Cersei was still scared Brienne would leave her now. 

Nobody seemed to recognize her in the streets, even though she got strange looks for her messy hair and huge scar combined with her expensive dress. People’s eyes bored into her face and body and made her almost feel naked and humiliated. 

She walked straight ahead, trying to ignore everyone, and arrived at the massive gates of the castle. 

She thought she might find Jaime, as a member of the Kingsguard, guarding the gates, but he wasn’t there. 

It took some time convincing the Kingsguard she was the queen, but eventually they apologized and let her enter the Red Keep. Before going in, she finally looked back, and saw Brienne following her in the distance. She considered waiting for her, but ultimately just ordered the Kingsguard to let her into the castle when she arrived. 

A lot more people than she was used to were walking around the castle. They were all dressed in festive gowns and beautiful armor and tunics. Cersei felt severely out of place.

She thought of Jaime. He would have to be here, somewhere. She was scared. She wished she had Brienne with her still. 

She went down to Jaime’s chambers. To her surprise, she actually found him there, sitting on his bed with his back to her. He’d let his hair grow out to his shoulders. Cersei felt her own hair, brittle and short, and sighed. She cleared her throat once and softly said his name.

He turned around abruptly, his mouth falling open as he immediately recognized her. He shook his head in confusion, then stood up and wrapped his arms around her tightly. She softened in his embrace. 

“You’re home,” he whispered in her hair. He let go and took her face in his hands, but Cersei saw him moving his finger away from her scar as if it was something absolutely disgusting. It was, of course. Cersei couldn’t really blame him, but she couldn’t deny it hurt.

He looked into her eyes and smiled, then kissed her forehead. His skin was too rough against hers.

“Are you alright? What did they do to you?” Jaime brushed his right hand through Cersei’s hair. “_Who_ did that?” 

Cersei’s eyes filled up with tears. She was safe now, she was home, she had Jaime back in her arms, and it still didn’t feel right. She still wasn’t happy.

She walked over to Jaime’s bed and sat at the edge of it, near his pillow. It smelled like him, but none of it felt like him. 

“What happened to you…” Jaime whispered. It sounded more like a thought supposed to go unvoiced than an actual question. 

“Where are our children?” Cersei asked. Maybe seeing them would make it all alright.

“You haven’t heard? Joffrey is getting married tomorrow. To Margaery Tyrell.” 

Cersei stared at him. 

“The Tyrells helped us win the war, Cersei. Lady Margaery asked for Joffrey’s hand.”

Cersei didn’t say anything. They’d given her son away to a woman Cersei didn’t even know. But she couldn’t change it now. She could only try to make sure Joffrey was happy and Margaery wasn’t taking advantage of him and his family.

_To cast you down and take all you hold dear._

“And Myrcella? Tommen?” Cersei asked Jaime.

“Tommen is here. I haven't seen him today, but he's in the Red Keep. Probably with our father. And Myrcella…” His tone became completely different when he mentioned their daughter’s name.

Cersei’s heart sank. She shut her eyes as if not seeing anything would make whatever Jaime was going to say next untrue and undone.

“Our brother had her shipped off to Dorne, to wed Trystane Martell. She left almost a year ago.” 

Tears threatened to pour down Cersei’s cheeks. Of course her wretched brother had taken her only daughter away from her. He'd do anything to hurt her. 

“And you didn’t stop him?” she asked, breathing heavily. 

“I couldn’t. We needed an alliance with the Martells, Cersei, or they’d be the first ones to attack us. It was the only way. It was the safest place for her, I promise.” Jaime took her hand in his, but she flinched and stood up, so violently she shoved a bottle of wine off the small table next to Jaime’s bed.

"She's just their hostage. Who knows what they might do to her?" 

When Lord Bolton told her her family had survived Stannis Baratheon’s siege, when she’d been informed of Robb Stark’s assassination, Cersei had thought they’d won the war. Giving up two of her children was the furthest thing from winning.

She didn’t look at Jaime anymore as she ran out of his chambers, trying not to cry in front of anyone in the Red Keep. She found her own chambers and locked her door and let her tears freely run down her face. 

She looked at herself. Her face was too thin, making the scar on it stand out even more. Her hair was too thin and uneven. She would have to get it cut properly before the wedding tomorrow.

She finally took her ugly dress off and tossed it aside. She picked out a rather simple red dress with long sleeves and an armored bodice. Her face was still dirty though, and so was her hair.

Cersei decided to run her own bath. She didn’t want to deal with any handmaidens touching her and talking to her. Once she lay in the hot water, she closed her eyes. 

She almost didn’t notice she was dreaming. She felt someone’s hands on her scalp, massaging it and running their fingers through her hair. Their hands were big, and surprisingly soft. Jaime? She kept her eyes closed, relaxing into the person’s touches. 

She felt them lean over her and felt soft lips brush against hers. She smiled into the kiss, slowly opening her eyes and seeing blue eyes looking back at her lovingly. Brienne kissed her again and Cersei sat up straighter, allowing her to run her hand over Cersei’s body as she deepened their kiss. Brienne’s hand travelled lower down her stomach and Cersei let out a soft moan. Brienne laughed and finally slipped her finger in-

Cersei woke up. She was completely alone. 

That feeling in her belly was back. Cersei tried to think of anything else to make it go away, but it didn’t help. Her thoughts always shifted back to Brienne, to her dream and back to reality.

She absentmindedly cleaned herself and was just out of her tub when she heard someone knock on her door. Cersei rolled her eyes. It was probably her father. If not the Kingsguard who let her into the castle, Jaime had definitely already told everyone she was back.

She considered not opening the door, but she would have to face everyone tomorrow anyway. To her surprise, she found Sansa Stark on the opposite side. She wore a blue dress similar to one of Cersei’s own, and she had her hair done up in several thick, red braids. She looked shocked when she saw Cersei, but she wasn't judging her. 

“Your Grace,” she said timidly. Sansa had always been shy and sweet around Cersei. It used to annoy her, but she felt for her now. This girl had just lost her brother and her mother, Cersei realized. At fourteen. Older than Cersei had been when she had lost her mother, but she knew how hard it must be. At least Cersei had had Jaime to comfort her.

“Little dove,” Cersei started, but the name felt weird on her tongue. “Lady Sansa. Come in.” 

Sansa nodded, bowed shortly, and went inside. She stood in Cersei’s chambers awkwardly until Cersei told her to sit.

Something had happened to her while she was alone in King’s Landing. She was still her polite, sweet self, but Cersei immediately noticed how scared she was underneath her courtesy. 

“Why did you come to me?” she asked softly. 

Sansa didn’t reply, only fumbled with the sleeves of her dress.

“Talk to me,” Cersei said, trying to sound encouraging instead of demanding.

“My mother… my brother…” Sansa started, but she didn’t finish her sentence as she looked down and let one tear roll down her cheek. 

“I know,” Cersei answered. Just like when Brienne had run off and came back crying, she didn’t know what to say to Sansa either.

“You can return home, if you want. They brought me back here, you're not betrothed to my son anymore-” 

Cersei stopped talking. She didn’t know where Sansa should possibly go, now that both of her parents and her oldest brother were gone, and Ned Stark’s bastard was at the Wall. Winterfell had been captured by the Boltons.

“Arya is gone. She left the city after my father was executed. And I’m betrothed to lord Tyrion,” Sansa said. “I’ll marry him a few weeks after king Joffrey’s wedding.” 

Cersei’s heart turned ice cold. First, that monster shipped Cersei’s only daughter off to Dorne as a hostage. Now, Sansa was forced to marry him. She knew Brienne had sworn to keep the Stark children safe, but would she go after Arya? Would she want to stay here to protect Sansa?

Cersei thought of Robert. How she’d tried to love him. How he’d whispered a dead woman’s name in her ear on their wedding night. How he’d left her alone every time she birthed one of her children, and later presented her with some pelt as if it was a reward for giving him a baby he’d never care about.

”You tried to love Joffrey, didn’t you? You can try to love Tyrion. And if you won’t, you will love his children.”

The thought of having Tyrion’s children seemed to scare Sansa now. Cersei remembered talking to Sansa about having Joffrey’s children once, over a year ago. It used to excite her.

”If it wasn’t for my children, I would’ve thrown myself off the Red Keep long ago,” Cersei blurted out. “I didn’t love my husband either. Women like us don’t get to choose who we love. But your children will make you happy, my dear. You’ll be alright.”

Sansa didn’t respond.

“Go on. I’m sure you have lots of things to prepare for tomorrow,” Cersei said, and Sansa nodded. 

Cersei finally called for one of her handmaidens and told her to find Joffrey. She needed to see him before his wedding.

She poured herself a glass of wine and sat on her bed, waiting for him. It was cold, after nobody had been in it for over a year. The past two nights, Brienne had held her. The first time, it was after Cersei had a nightmare. Brienne had wrapped her up in her arms and stroked her hair until she fell asleep.

The second time, Cersei had just wanted comfort. She’d been cold and alone and she’d put her arm around Brienne’s waist and her head on her shoulder. Brienne had turned around in her sleep, so Cersei woke up with her face pressed against her cheek and her lips against her jaw. 

She would miss it. Not Brienne, she thought, or she wanted to think, but the warmth and comfort. Jaime couldn’t hold her, and she didn’t even know if he would want to anymore.

Joffrey entered her chambers, guarded by two huge knights. 

“_What_ did they do to you?” was the first thing he asked.

Cersei looked at him, not knowing what to say. She just wanted to talk now. She’d send someone after Locke later. “You look wonderful. I’ve missed you so much.” 

It looked like he’d grown even taller while she was gone, and stronger, too. Like Jaime, he’d grown his hair out as well. 

“Are you excited for the wedding? What do you think of your new bride?” she asked. 

Joffrey shrugged. “She’s an ideal match. Our enemies won’t threaten us again with the Tyrells by our side. We crushed Stannis Baratheon and his army, as we did with Robb Stark.” He got happier when talking about killing his enemies. 

Cersei nodded.

“What about her, though? Is she good to you?”

“Yes. She’s intelligent, beautiful.”

Cersei smiled. “That’s good to hear. I hope she makes you very happy.”

Joffrey was distant. He was never very kind to her, not like Myrcella and Tommen, but even knowing that, she could tell he didn’t want to be here. 

“If that’s all?” he asked. 

Cersei walked over to him and embraced him shortly. He put his hands on her shoulder blades, but it wasn’t a real hug. Cersei nodded, and turned away from him. Joffrey walked out of her chambers and Cersei was alone once again.

Again, she found herself wishing she had Brienne here to comfort her. Or Jaime, she thought later, though the thought of that didn't seem as appealing as it had once. She didn't understand why. 

That night, she dreamed of Brienne once again. It wasn’t like anything she’d dreamed before. In this dream, they were walking through a bright green field together. She had her hand in Brienne’s. They were talking and laughing and every once in a while one of them would kiss the other's cheek. They stopped after a while, and Brienne bent down to pick a flower. She put it in Cersei’s long braid, smiled at her, and softly kissed her. 

Cersei giggled like a young girl and Brienne picked her up easily, carrying her a few feet away before sitting down and putting Cersei on her lap. Cersei took the opportunity to lean forward and kiss Brienne, biting her lip.

She pushed Brienne down and locked her body between her thighs, kissing her again and slowly making her way down her throat, then down her chest. 

Her dream stopped abruptly, and Cersei woke up. Her chamber was pitch black and Cersei knew she couldn’t go back to sleep again if she tried.

She waited for the sun to rise, trying to focus on Joffrey and his wedding, but her thoughts drifted to Brienne once again. She tried to turn Brienne’s face into Jaime’s, but it never worked. She sighed. Tomorrow, she would find a solution to whatever was happening to her. She just didn’t know what that should mean.


	12. can't breathe without me

The wedding ceremony had been beautiful, Cersei had to admit. Her son looked glorious, strong, and proud, and Margaery Tyrell was very pretty in her wedding dress. Cersei still didn’t trust her, however, from the way she smirked at Joffrey after their kiss.

The feast afterward was grand and exquisite. Cersei had put on her nicest dress, and they had managed to make her hair look presentable, but she still didn’t feel as comfortable as she should look.

Tommen sat beside her. She’d held him tightly when she first saw him again this morning. She never wanted to let him go again. He’d almost cried when he saw her. He had grown a lot in the year Cersei had been gone. He was close to Joffrey’s height now, though not quite as strong yet. Cersei smiled at him.

Tyrion sat next to Tommen. He’d welcomed her back quickly, but none of it had felt very genuine. Not that that mattered. Cersei would rather have his head now for shipping her daughter off than spend the entire night in his presence.

Sansa looked awkward beside Tyrion. She had her red hair done up tightly and was wearing a dress with a tight corset. Cersei looked over at her quickly and gave her a tiny hint of a reassuring smile.

Jaime was in the crowd, somewhere. Cersei wanted to get up and go to him. He would make her feel better, she thought. He always did.

Yet she found herself looking for a different person, with lighter hair, instead.

She couldn’t see Brienne in the crowd. Cersei had been informed she had arrived in the Red Keep safely and would be attending the wedding. She hadn’t seen her since the day before though.

Joffrey commanded his fool to come forward and entertain the guests, though it failed to put Joffrey himself in a good mood. After a short while, he gave up and called for a reward to anyone who could throw his fool’s hat off.

Cersei sighed, excused herself and went to find Jaime.

He was standing guard on the left, his hand on his sword, looking every bit the true knight nobody here believed he was.

“Hello sister,” he said, smiling that sharp smile at her. “Enjoying the wedding?”

“About as much as you, I assume,” Cersei answered. She looked around to see if nobody was paying attention to them, and wrapped her arms around him, holding on for just a moment longer than necessary. She was so hoping it would make her feel better, but it barely did.

Jaime grinned down at her and tried to quickly kiss her, but Cersei backed away instantly.

“Not here,” she said, frowning at Jaime, but she knew them being in public was not the entire reason she'd refused.

Jaime smiled again, clearly unbothered by Cersei’s annoyance, and looked over her head.

“My lady?” he said.

Cersei turned around and saw Brienne standing closely behind her. She was wearing a blue dress that reached just below her knees, with high brown boots similar to the ones Jaime always wore. It looked better than the pink dress the Boltons had made her wear. Brienne herself clearly thought so, too. She looked much more confident. Something about her made Cersei lose her concentration for a second, but she regained herself and shook her confusion off. There was no time for any of that now.

“My name is Brienne of Tarth. Queen Cersei has told me a lot about you, Ser Jaime,” Brienne smiled, standing next to Cersei. Cersei looked up at her. She was even one or two inches taller than Jaime.

“I'm sure she has. I have to thank you for bringing my sister relatively safely home to me.” Jaime added ‘to me’ as if it was an afterthought. Cersei looked at him, but he was staring directly into Brienne’s eyes with a weird look on his face.

“She’s kept me safe as well, Ser Jaime, when I couldn’t protect her.” Two pairs of eyes dropped to Cersei's hair and scar.

Cersei felt Brienne moving in closer to her. Cersei’s arm brushed against Brienne’s side.

She saw Jaime still staring at her. Cersei stepped forward and took his hand in the most casual way she could without it being suspicious to the other guests. She subtly brushed her thumb over his palm, feeling Brienne’s eyes locked on them.

“Cersei, let's discuss that privately after our son's wedding, shall we? Preferably without her around." He raised his eyebrow at Cersei suggestively and Cersei frowned again.

Cersei looked back at Brienne, who’d lowered her eyes. She could tell Jaime was trying to trick Brienne into something, but Cersei didn’t understand why he’d have to. She'd never seen Jaime be like that. Usually if something bothered him he'd be very direct about it.

Margaery saw Brienne in the crowd and reached her hand out to ask Brienne to come over. She was visibly relieved and left Cersei and Jaime with a quick nod.

“What are you doing?” Cersei asked once Brienne couldn’t hear her anymore.

“Do you honestly not notice anything?” Jaime asked. "She loves you. I can't tell if you feel the same."

Cersei raised her eyebrows. Of course not, she wanted to say. She wanted to laugh at Jaime and kiss him and laugh about the entire situation and stop thinking about Brienne.

She couldn’t.

“No,” was all she said. “No, she doesn’t. Don’t say things like that, Jaime. Why would she?”

Jaime’s eyes burned the way Cersei had only ever seen when Robert had touched her in his presence. But there was something else in his eyes, too, when he looked at Cersei. He was almost scared.

“I’ll see you tonight,” Cersei said awkwardly, trying to make him stop. He absolutely couldn’t start thinking about the things Cersei didn’t want to think about.

Joffrey called all his guests back to their places. Brienne had left and was now standing across from Jaime, hiding from his looks the best she could.

“There has been too much amusement here today. A royal wedding is not an amusement. A royal wedding is history. The time has come for all of us to contemplate our history,” Joffrey announced.

A huge golden lion’s head was rolled onto the floor. It opened its mouth and five dwarves ran out, armored and all, screaming with swords in their hands.

“I give you the War of the Five Kings!” Joffrey called out triumphantly.

Cersei applauded, like the others at the table did. She didn’t dare look into the crowd yet. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as she feared.

The dwarves ran around beating each other with their wooden swords.

Cersei’s father had sat down on her right side, laughing with the rest of their tables. She hadn’t spoken to her father yet, Cersei realized. That would lead to an interesting conversation any of these days.

Tommen laughed along happily, probably not even truly understanding what the war had been like. From the corner of Cersei’s eye, she saw Tyrion glare at Tommen. Her son stopped laughing and Cersei breathed in heavily.

Sansa wasn’t laughing either. Margaery and her brother Loras, who was Renly Baratheon’s former lover according to rumors, had stopped laughing when the focus of the play turned to Renly.

Loras harshly stood up eventually, shot a destructive glare at Joffrey, and stormed off.

Cersei kept her eyes fixed on the scene before her. She knew she would run off too if she saw Brienne’s face right now.

The dwarves playing Joffrey and Robb Stark cleared the floor for themselves as they charged at each other with their swords several times. Cersei braced herself for what they would do next.

She didn’t want to look at Sansa, and definitely not at Brienne.

Her father seemed to have stopped finding it funny as well. He had a permanent semi-happy grin on his face, but nobody was enjoying it like Joffrey was anymore.

The dwarf poorly resembling Joffrey charged at the other one one last time and threw his wolf mask on the floor. It rolled off to the side, right in front of Sansa. Cersei looked over and saw the girl was pale and had her mouth open in shock.

Cersei made the mistake of looking past the scene to the row of people in front of her. She saw Jaime first. He was barely paying attention to it, she noticed.

Her eyes drifted to Brienne. She was staring in horror. Cersei saw her shut her eyes tightly before she ran off in the same direction Loras had gone.

Cersei’s heart sank. Suddenly, the scene before her disgusted her. The noises of the crowd were drowning out and the only thing Cersei heard was Joffrey’s laughter and faint clapping. She had to stay, she told herself. She couldn’t leave for this. What would everyone say?

The scene was over within minutes and Cersei forced herself to put on a smile and clap for the performers. Joffrey spat out his wine from laughing too hard.

“Well fought!” Joffrey said when the applause had died down.

“Champion’s purse. Although, you’re not a champion yet, are you? A true champion defeats all their challenges. Surely there are others who still challenge my reign?”

He looked over at Cersei’s side of the table.

“Uncle? I’m sure there’s a spare costume.”

Cersei grinned. He’d get exactly what he deserved.

“I think you should fight, Your Grace. We’ve all seen or heard of your bravery against Stannis Baratheon. Show them all how a true king wins the throne.” Tyrion’s voice was dripping with poison. Cersei wanted to wrap her hands around his throat and choke the life from him.

Joffrey grabbed his cup of wine, walked over to Tyrion and poured his wine over his head. It dripped down Tyrion’s face and he closed his eyes. Cersei raised her eyebrow at Tyrion and smiled.

“Come back to me! It’s time for my father’s toast,” Margaery said, reaching out to Joffrey.

“How can I toast without wine?” Joffrey asked innocently. “Uncle! You can be my cupbearer!”

“You do me a great honor, Your Grace,” Tyrion said sarcastically.

“It’s not meant as an honor,” Joffrey replied.

The crowd was silent now. Everybody was watching Joffrey and Tyrion, holding their breaths.

Tyrion sighed. Cersei smiled again. Tyrion walked over to Joffrey and held his hand out, but Joffrey dropped his cup. When Tyrion bent to pick it up, Joffrey kicked it under the table.

“Bring it back,” he said. Tyrion stared at him for a few moments before crawling under the table. Sansa bent down, too, to give Tyrion the cup. When she sat back up, she looked at Cersei with tears in her eyes.

“An empty cup?” Joffrey sneered at Tyrion. Tyrion picked up a bottle and poured him new wine.

“Kneel,” Joffrey demanded. Tyrion refused. The air got thicker and thicker and Cersei felt everybody was expecting Joffrey to rage.

Joffrey demanded him to kneel again and again, but Tyrion kept refusing. Joffrey grew more awkward and insecure. Cersei wanted Tyrion _dead._

“Look, the pie!” Margaery said suddenly, rising from her chair and turning the attention to the four men carrying in a huge orange pie.

Everyone started clapping overly enthusiastically. After staring Tyrion down some more, Joffrey unsheathed his new sword and cut the pie in half. Live doves flew out.

Cersei clapped along with the crowd and saw Margaery give Joffrey some of the pie, a sly smile appearing on her face sometimes when Joffrey had his back turned to her. Cersei would have to keep a close eye on Margaery.

“Uncle!” Joffrey said again. Cersei turned back to Tyrion, who was trying to leave the feast with Sansa. “Where are you going?”

“I thought I would change into new clothes, Your Grace,” Tyrion said. “These seem to be wet now.”

“No need for that, uncle, you’re perfect the way you are. Bring me my wine.”

Tyrion brought him his wine.

“Your Grace, Lady Sansa is very tired. If we may be excused-”

“No,” Joffrey said, drinking more wine. “You’ll stay here and-”

He started coughing uncontrollably, grabbing at his throat.

Cersei's eyes opened widely and she sat on the edge of her chair.

“Your Grace?” Tyrion asked, putting the bottle down and getting closer to Joffrey.

“It’s nothing,” Joffrey said, taking another swig. That only seemed to make it worse.

He turned to Margaery with his back to Cersei, his breath heavy and shaky.

“He’s choking!” Margaery said loudly. Cersei stood up immediately and moved over, cautiously standing behind him. Joffrey dropped his goblet onto the floor. Cersei saw Jaime push the crowd aside and run towards his son as he fell and clawed at his throat, twisting around in pain.

Cersei rushed towards him as well, pushing Margaery aside. She fell to her knees and tried to get him on his back, tried to get him to look at her, but Jaime was in the way.

“Don’t touch him,” she screamed and pushed him away, laying Joffrey’s head down on her lap. “Please, Joffrey, please, please,” she begged him, but his face was turning white and then purple and his eyes were red with blood. Blood poured out of his nose as well and he growled like an animal.

“Help him!” she screamed at first, and then it became a whisper. Joffrey was choking to death in her arms, unable to respond to her, unable to recognize anyone.

In his last seconds, he rose his hand and pointed to the table, to Tyrion, who picked up Joffrey’s goblet to casually inspect it as if nothing was happening. As if he’d known all along that this would happen.

Cersei wanted to kill him now. Joffrey let out his last breath and Cersei turned her face towards him one more time, holding him to her chest. His blood dripped onto her dress.

She let out a whimper. “My son…” she cried, burying her face in his hair.

The crowd started screaming and crying for Joffrey as well. Cersei hated the false outrage, all those people pretending they cared about their king.

Her grief turned to rage. She looked at Joffrey’s lifeless face, his still, outstretched hand, pointing at her wretched brother.

“He did this,” she whispered, to Jaime, to Joffrey, to herself, to no one at all. “He poisoned my son. Your king.”

Tyrion looked back at her, feigning an innocent look on his face. Cersei would have him punished for this. She’d have him dead for this.

“Take him,” she demanded. Nobody responded immediately.

“Take him!” she screamed again. People started to move, slowly walking towards Tyrion.

“Take him! Take him!” she kept screaming until her throat was sore and she could do nothing but sob into Joffrey’s hair.

“Cersei!” she heard Jaime’s voice in the distance, so far away from her she could never touch him again. Then she felt his strong arms wrapped around her shoulders, his hand on her face, protectively holding her face to his shoulder.

Even that embrace felt wrong. She had to stay with Joffrey. She pulled herself away from Jaime and cradled her son’s body in her arms, but Jaime gently put his hands back on her shoulders and allowed two Lannister soldiers to take her son away from her.

She screamed again, demanded they let him stay with her, but they wouldn’t listen. Jaime was still there, behind her, too close to her.

If they wouldn’t let her stay with her son, she had to get out of here. Jaime kissed her cheek, tried to brush away her tears, but his touch made her flinch and she stood up, storming off.

She wished Brienne had been there for her instead of Jaime. She would understand. She was the only one who would, even if she hated Joffrey. She didn’t know if Jaime would understand. Jaime didn’t know about her prophecy. Jaime didn’t know anything.

But going to Brienne was a ridiculous thing to do now. She didn’t know where Brienne was, and even if she did, Brienne probably didn’t want to see her now after what happened.

Cersei clenched her fists and stormed off to her chambers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont bully me for writing jaime Like That idk what happened there..ignore him hes trying


	13. it's a mindless love affair

Cersei lay on her bed for minutes, hours, days, she didn’t know. Whenever she closed her eyes, she saw her son dying in front of her. She saw his bloodshot eyes, the blood pouring out of his nose, his blood-covered fingers pointing at his murderer.

Her vision was blurry from all her tears and her eyes felt raw and dry when she rubbed them. 

_Why_ had he taken her son from her, too? 

She heard a knock on her door. She wanted to yell at whoever it was, but her voice came out hoarse and weak. Cersei just turned around, not facing the door. She didn’t want to see anyone, except- 

“Cersei…” came a familiar voice. Cersei’s breath stopped and she turned her face back slightly, not saying anything. 

“Can I come in?” Brienne asked her. Cersei could only nod.

Brienne stepped inside, closed the door and sat at the foot of her bed. 

“I’m so sorry,” she said.

Cersei sniffed and sat up on the other end of her bed, taking a bottle of wine from her nightstand and filling a cup for Brienne. Brienne took it from her and drank hesitantly, not letting her eyes leave Cersei.

Cersei poured herself a cup as well and put her head in her hands. 

“I remembered what you told me that day in Harrenhal,” Brienne said. Cersei saw her hand moving towards hers slowly. She let it happen.

“It’s cruel.” 

“It is,” Cersei answered. She liked the comfort of having Brienne close to her again, even though neither of them seemed to know exactly what to say.

“I’ll never forget his face. When it happened,” she continued, not even talking to Brienne in particular. “I’ll never forget it. I never forgot my mother’s face, either.” 

“I know. I’ll never forget Renly. I wish I could’ve saved him,” Brienne said. “Nothing’s more hateful than failing to protect the one you love.”

Cersei nodded. Jaime’s words ran through her mind now. How he’d looked at Brienne, how he’d said she loved Cersei. Cersei looked into Brienne’s eyes, trying to see what Jaime saw.

She didn’t think she could find it.

She sipped her wine and stared at her wall, trying to distract herself from thoughts of the wedding feast, but she didn’t know what else to focus on, either. She could only direct her attention towards Brienne, who had moved a little closer to Cersei. Her presence was warm.

“I’m sorry for… what happened. At the feast. Showing you that was terrible.” It had been terrible, but she’d still laughed along. What did that make her? Why was Brienne here?

“I ran off. I don’t know if you saw, I…” 

“I did. I wanted to come after you.” 

That seemed to make Brienne smile despite everything. 

"It still hurts," Cersei said. Of course it did. She just wanted to give Brienne the chance to talk about it. 

"I lost Lady Catelyn, and I failed her. Arya is missing, and Sansa hasn't been seen anywhere since the wedding. I swore an oath to bring them both back to safety. To Winterfell.” 

"Sansa is gone?" It startled Cersei. She hadn't noticed anything, but who would get Sansa out of the castle? Surely she wouldn't have escaped alone. 

"That's what I've heard. They're saying they wanted to question her after they took your brother away."

"Sansa had nothing to do with it. I don't believe she would… Tyrion wanted to hurt me. He despised Joffrey, he despises me.” 

Brienne nodded.

“Who took Sansa away? Has anyone else left?” Cersei asked.

Brienne shook her head. “I’ve barely heard anything. I tried to find you almost instantly after you left.” 

That statement made Cersei feel warm inside. She moved closer to Brienne and saw her hand was still stretched out on the blankets. 

“Someone has to find Sansa. She can’t have gone far,” Cersei tried. She took Brienne’s hand into her own. 

“I want to find her. I have to,” Brienne said, staring at their hands. 

Cersei nodded at first, but quickly stopped when she realized what Brienne meant. She would be out there trying to find Sansa, and she would stay in Winterfell, and Cersei would be locked up all alone in King’s Landing. It made her eyes burn.

“Stay here? For a few more nights? Maybe they’ll find her-” This was too vulnerable for Cersei, but there was something about Brienne that made her never want her to leave again.

She also looked at their hands now, noticing Brienne’s big hand fit perfectly around her small one.

“Why haven’t you gone to Ser Jaime yet? He said he wanted to see you tonight,” Brienne asked.

Cersei frowned. The thought hadn’t even come up in her mind yet. 

“I wanted to be alone,” she answered.

Brienne was silent for a few moments. “Should I leave?” 

“No. Stay.” Cersei tightened her grip on Brienne’s hand and her eyes teared up again. 

She saw Brienne move her arm up and towards Cersei. “May I?”

“Yes,” Cersei said in a broken voice.

Brienne wrapped her arm around Cersei’s shoulders and pulled her into her chest softly. She let go of Cersei’s hand and placed hers on Cersei’s hair instead, stroking it. Cersei felt her tears pour down her cheeks as Brienne pulled her closer yet, letting her cry in her arms as much as she needed to.

Normally she would’ve hated being this weak around another person. She only ever cried to Jaime. But Brienne felt even safer, even more comforting. 

Cersei held her hands up against Brienne’s chest as if she were a little girl. Brienne rested her head on Cersei’s and Cersei closed her eyes until she stopped crying. 

She looked up at Brienne, eyelashes still wet. Brienne cupped her face in her hands and wiped her cheeks dry with her thumbs. She looked beautiful tonight. Strange, how Cersei had found her hideous just a few weeks ago. She wasn’t hideous at all. Cersei thought she could drown in her ocean-blue eyes. Her lips were full and pink and her wild hair made her look younger and playful. 

Brienne brushed a soft thumb over her scar now. It was _loving_, Cersei thought. Brienne looked at her the way Jaime had before she left. 

Brienne was the only person who could make her feel beautiful now, despite everything they had done to her, or maybe because of it. Brienne looked at her scar and hair as if they were parts of her that had always existed. As if they didn't lessen her beauty or her value in any way. 

Was Jaime right? What would it even mean if he was?

Brienne’s finger went away from her scar and lightly touched the corner of her mouth. Cersei had to know.

She leaned in suddenly and covered Brienne’s lips with hers, immediately feeling Brienne respond to her. Her lips were as soft as her dreams had imagined for her. Cersei closed her eyes and moved her arm to Brienne’s neck, holding it tightly and pushing her in further as if she wanted to melt into her.

It was unlike anything she had ever felt with anyone. The warm feeling in her belly got stronger and stronger and Cersei felt like she was on fire but she didn’t care, the only thing she cared about was Brienne and Brienne kissing her back. 

Cersei felt Brienne’s hands in her hair, running through it faster as Cersei deepened their kiss. She knew Brienne had never kissed anyone before, but she wouldn't have guessed it. Still, she had to remember to be careful with her. 

She pulled away just slightly, only to take Brienne’s lip between her teeth and playfully bite it, laughing at the soft yelp that left Brienne’s mouth. 

Nothing would ever feel as good as this. Cersei left one hand on Brienne’s neck and brought the other down between them, running it up and down Brienne’s side. She stopped at the curve of her breast and cupped it. 

Brienne pulled away and kindly took Cersei's wrist in her hand, stopping it from touching her body any more. 

Cersei opened her eyes and stared at Brienne. 

"What is it?"

"Not tonight, please. I won't do this to you now. Not while you're grieving. It's not right."

Cersei looked down. 

"I'm sorry if I-" 

"No, it's alright. Go back to your chambers, if you want," Cersei said. She wouldn't beg for her consent the way Jaime sometimes did with her. 

Brienne nodded and gave Cersei a quick kiss on her cheek. 

When she was alone, Cersei looked into her mirror. She looked ridiculous with her messed up face, her eyes and cheeks red from crying and her lips red from kissing. Her hair was tangled and wild like Brienne’s. 

With Jaime, she never had to worry about going too fast or too hard. They'd discovered everything together, were a perfect match for each other, knew everything the other liked and disliked. 

But that felt fake, now. What she just did with Brienne was real. She knew it from the way the feeling of her lips lingered on hers for way longer than necessary, from the way she saw Brienne’s face in front of her whenever she closed her eyes, from the way her heart burned whenever she thought of her. 

Cersei changed out of her gown and lay down in her cold bed. She should've asked Brienne to at least stay the night. She needed someone to hold her again. 

Her dream was long and horrifying. She dreamed of Joffrey, dying in her arms, begging her to help him. But it wasn't Joffrey's voice. Whenever she looked down, his face changed into someone else, all still choking in her arms with her unable to help them. She saw Myrcella, Tommen, Jaime, then Brienne. When she saw Brienne, the air around her grew ice cold and she felt an invisible hand around her throat. She cried out for Brienne and her vision went black as Brienne raised her hand with her last bit of strength. 

Cersei woke up with a scream. 

She wandered around the castle for a while, not really knowing where she should go. Everything reminded her of Joffrey and of Brienne and of Jaime and of Tyrion. _Tyrion._ She knew he was locked in a cell waiting for his trial. That would take far too long for Cersei. 

She decided to visit Jaime's chambers. 

She found him just about to leave, but she pushed him back inside and shut the door. 

"Thank the gods you're here," he said.

Cersei almost broke down again. "I miss him so much, Jaime. Our baby boy… " 

Jaime stepped towards her and embraced her. He was not nearly as soft and comfortable as Brienne. 

"I want to see Tyrion punished for this," she stated. "He did it, I'm certain. He shipped off our daughter, he murdered our son. He wants to ruin our family. That's what he's always wanted, and you know it. You have to do something, Jaime. I want him dead. Please."

"There will be a trial, love. We'll get to the bottom of it. If he's guilty, he'll be justly punished."

"He'll find a way out. You know that. Please."

"You want me to kill my brother."

"He's killed more Lannisters than any of us at this point. He'll kill our father, if given the chance. He'll kill me."

Jaime's eyes widened, but he still didn't give in. 

Cersei tried to turn her brain off. She would not think of last night. She pleaded Jaime one last time, then kissed his lips. He moaned into it instantly, placing his right hand on the left side of her face. He didn't touch her scar. 

Cersei pushed him backwards to his bed and sat him down, pulling his shirt over his head. Brienne was prettier. More delicate. 

She closed her eyes and kissed from his lips down to his stomach. She stopped when she reached his pants and placed her hand on him. 

Jaime groaned and took her wrist harshly, forcing her hand around him. He bent down to kiss her again, roughly and hungrily, the way they always kissed. After Brienne’s soft kisses, Cersei couldn't really enjoy this. She wanted him to be gentle with her, for once. 

When Jaime pushed her head down slightly, Cersei stood up. It all felt completely wrong. All of it. 

"Tomorrow, maybe," she said, already knowing that tomorrow would never come. She didn't know what she wanted now, but it wasn't Jaime anymore. The realization hit her like a brick. 

"Please, Jaime," she asked one more time, knowing he understood. 

She turned around and left his chambers.


	14. things aren't always what they seem

Brienne hadn’t slept at all that night. Whenever she tried to, Cersei would run through her mind again, keeping her awake with her soft touch and beautiful lips and sweet voice. She had always thought Cersei only enjoyed her company because Jaime wasn’t there for her while they were on the road. She’d had to push her away once before, she realized. If she hadn’t done that, would she have kissed her then? 

She still couldn’t shake the feeling that Cersei was just confused, just grieving for her son, just needed a way to escape her mind. Why would the most beautiful woman in the world choose Brienne over the most beautiful man in the Seven Kingdoms? 

Brienne had never wanted to allow herself to be disappointed, mocked and heartbroken again. She couldn’t put a finger on what had changed between Cersei and her, and when it had happened. She used to look at her and see a beautiful face, yes, but a cruel, vindictive one. Last night, she only saw a broken woman she wanted to protect and love. 

What would’ve happened if Brienne hadn’t refused? The touch of Cersei’s fingers on her breast lingered. Perhaps Cersei would’ve opened her eyes and realized she wasn’t with Jaime and left her alone in the dark. 

She couldn’t afford to believe otherwise.

Her body had automatically responded to Cersei as if she was always meant to be with her. Only after it had ended and Brienne had woken up from her foolish dream did she regather her thoughts and leave. She had stood outside Cersei’s chambers for a few minutes, contemplating going back inside and trying again, just to know what they both felt, but she wouldn’t. She couldn’t.

The sunlight was starting to shine through her window when Brienne finally fell asleep. As had been custom for a few days now, her dreams were filled with Cersei, but this was the first time she didn’t have a nightmare about lady Catelyn right after. This time, she finally knew exactly what Cersei felt like, what she tasted like, what she smelled like. Her dreams amplified all of it.

She wanted to stay with Cersei, no matter how Cersei truly felt about her. Her presence was comfortable. She felt safe, like she wouldn’t let anyone hurt Brienne. 

But she had to keep her oath, and she had to leave King’s Landing. She was planning on leaving in a day or two. She would need to find a new sword somewhere, at least. 

Every time she thought of lady Sansa, lady Catelyn came back into her mind. She must’ve been terrified. During the play king Joffrey had shown his guests, she could almost feel the terror herself. She’d left the feast, only for a tiny moment hoping Cersei would come after her.

Brienne sighed and looked around her chamber. It was big and extravagantly decorated with Lannister colors, but it was too hot. She decided she’d clear her head in the gardens.

The gardens were the most beautiful part of the Red Keep. The flowers danced in the wind, the sun shone onto her face, she heard birds singing all around her. She felt out of place once again. Everything was too soft and delicate for her to even be around. 

She sat by a small pond. She saw a statue of King Joffrey a few feet away. The flowers around here seemed even more colorful. Brienne touched the cool, clear water and let a smile dance around her lips. 

“I thought I’d find you here,” she heard a male voice say.

She looked up and saw Ser Jaime, in his Kingsguard armor. She remembered what Cersei had told her about the Mad King, but she still thought Jaime looked obnoxiously arrogant. He was Cersei’s mirror image, yet Cersei was infinitely more beautiful. In Cersei’s eyes, she saw the flowers in the gardens and she saw precious emeralds. In Jaime’s eyes, there was no such thing. 

“Ser Jaime,” Brienne greeted him briefly. “What brings you here?”

“I need you to talk to my sister. I know you’re the only one who could change her mind. She wants our brother dead. I’ll do everything for Cersei, but this is… Talk to her.”

It wasn’t a question, not at all. He looked desperate, like he was physically torn between his sister and his brother and he didn’t want to choose just yet.

“Why would she-”

“Don’t be stupid, wench. Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on between you. I just need to know my sister won’t murder my brother the second I don’t pay attention.”

Brienne stared at him with wide eyes. What did he know? Had Cersei told him anything? At the wedding, he’d almost sounded jealous. She remembered thinking he should never have to be jealous of her in his life. Now, she couldn’t look him in the eyes and tell him that anymore. It was a strange thought. 

But she couldn’t dwell on that. Cersei wanted Tyrion dead for Joffrey’s murder. Brienne knew, of course, but she didn’t know how she could change her mind. The last time she had tried to change Cersei’s mind, Cersei had a sword in her hands three minutes later and tried to attack Brienne. 

Could she ever make Cersei see Tyrion was innocent until his trial? It would only take a few more weeks… She hoped she could convince Cersei to lay low until the trial. 

“I don’t think your sister listens to anyone once her mind is made up, Ser Jaime, but I’ll try.” 

Ser Jaime nodded. “She does love you,” he said. “She refused me this morning. Not like other times, though. Fuck, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. She's mine, though. She's always been mine.” He added the last part awkwardly, as if he'd let his guard down for a second and was trying too hard not to let it show.

Brienne was kind and uncomfortable enough to let it slide, excuse herself, and go back inside. She’d _refused_ Jaime? Right after… 

Cersei had only ever cared about Jaime, hadn’t she? Whenever Brienne woke up to Cersei wrapping her arms around her and placing her head on her shoulder, she’d been dreaming of Jaime. Once, Cersei had placed her lips on Brienne’s cheek in her sleep. She’d taken them away and buried her face in her hair before she woke up, but the touch had set Brienne’s entire body on fire. But she could never really do anything. She never wanted to touch Cersei while she thought she was Jaime.

And still, Cersei had wanted to kiss Brienne, but not Jaime. Brienne hoped she could help Cersei get through her grief over Joffrey. It was clearly eating away at her.

She found Cersei in her chambers again. She was facing her this time, luckily didn’t look like she’d been crying. Her thoughts were very far off.

Brienne cleared her throat and said her name. Cersei shook her head slightly and her face lit up when she saw Brienne. 

“You’re back,” she said, her voice sweet and melodic. Brienne was entranced by her mere presence once again.

“Jaime visited me,” Brienne said. She would have to get straight to the point, she figured. Cersei seemed to hate people pretending to have different intentions around her. 

Brienne took a few more steps towards Cersei. 

“What did he want? Complain?” Cersei sighed. “I didn’t tell him, if you were worried about that. Did he guess?”

“No, I don’t think so. He said he knew what was going on between us, though. But that’s not why I came here.” 

“Oh.”

Cersei seemed colder today. Maybe she’d just been drunk on either wine or sadness last night. Maybe Brienne had been drunk enough to think Cersei wanted her. 

“Please don’t go after Tyrion. Not until the trial,” Brienne said. “He’s innocent until-”

“Jaime asked you to tell me that monster is _innocent_? Jaime sent _you_ of all people? Neither of you has any idea what he’s like. You never will. You don’t know how he killed my mother and doomed our house, you don’t know how he shipped off my only daughter to be raped and killed like a whore, you don’t know how he plotted to murder my son, you don’t know anything. I want him dead. I want him _dead_.” 

A choked sob escaped her throat and she was breathing heavily. Brienne didn’t know what to do. 

She sat down next to Cersei’s chair and raised her hand to place it over Cersei’s, but pulled it away at the last second. She didn’t need Cersei to get even angrier. 

“Jaime won’t kill him for you, Cersei. The trial is in a few weeks. Please wait,” she said.

Cersei scoffed. “In a few weeks, he’ll have murdered both my father and my last son, and me too if I don’t do something about it now.” 

Despite Cersei’s cruelty, Brienne did feel for her. And she understood her reasoning, even if she wanted to scream Cersei couldn’t prove anything. It did look suspicious for Joffrey to point at Tyrion, who was the only one not panicking about the choking king.

“The Kingsguard will keep an eye on him at all times. Please try to let it go until the trial. That’s all Jaime and I are asking of you.”

“Jaime and you,” Cersei almost laughed. “He hates your guts and you’re still both against me.”

“We’re not against you. Jaime loves you, I’m certain of it.” Was that the right thing to say? 

Cersei shook her head. “No one does,” she whispered so softly Brienne would’ve thought it was just the wind if she hadn’t seen her lips move. After a few moments of silence, Cersei looked up at Brienne. All the warmth had disappeared from her eyes.

“Get out.” 

Brienne hesitated, didn’t move yet. 

“Cersei, I-”

“Get. Out,” Cersei repeated, her voice becoming softer and slower. 

“Please,” Brienne said, only backing away two feet. “He’ll get the justice he deserves. You need time to heal. Lord Tyrion's fate is beyond your control now. You can’t keep being angry at everyone.” 

“It’s only him.”

“No, it’s not,” Brienne said. “And I’ll stay with you as long as you need me to. Please just listen to me this one time.”

She looked up at Cersei, seeing her lips trembling. She was trying so, so hard not to break down again. Brienne walked over to her and put her hand on hers, squeezing it the way Cersei did last night. 

Cersei wouldn’t look her in the eyes. Her hand was stiff. 

Brienne nodded at the coldness of her presence and stood up slowly. Cersei didn’t want her anymore. Brienne would be out of King’s Landing in an hour. She wouldn’t even need a sword or a horse, at first, she could sail to Tarth and get both of those things. 

She made her way to the massive door, her feet getting heavier with every step until she could barely walk anymore. 

“Brienne,” she heard a tiny sob.

“Stay.”


	15. stop pretending you've got nothing left to hide

Their hands had been intertwined that morning. Cersei had woken up long before Brienne. She’d looked at her for a while, brushed a strand of hair behind her ear and smiled, looking at her countless little freckles. Even with Jaime, on the rare mornings when they woke up together, she’d never felt that peaceful. 

It scared her almost as much as it excited her.

She’d put on a light red dress and left, finding a quiet spot in the gardens where no one would find her. The sun burned her bare neck and Cersei closed her eyes for a moment. She’d shared so many secret kisses with Jaime here, when they were younger.

She didn’t know what to do. What she felt for Brienne last night had been vastly different from anything she’d ever felt for Jaime. Jaime would always return to her, no matter how angry she was at him. When Brienne threatened to leave her, Cersei’s heart sank. She’d felt like the life was being drained out of her with Brienne’s every step.

It couldn’t be the same thing she had with Jaime. She loved Jaime, with all her heart. She couldn’t love a woman in that way. That didn’t happen. 

She closed her eyes again, her thoughts wandering off to her journey with Brienne. When had she started to feel this way? 

She wanted to kiss Brienne again. She’d almost done it last night, after Brienne had agreed to stay with her, but she hadn’t dared to. Instead, they had talked, about Tyrion, about Joffrey, about Cersei’s life growing up in Casterly Rock, then about Brienne’s own childhood on Tarth. Brienne was genuinely interested in her life, she knew. And Cersei wanted to hear Brienne’s stories as well, though they weren’t all that happy.

Brienne had told her about the times her father had wanted her to marry. Every man had refused to even dance with her, until Renly Baratheon was kind enough to save her the embarrassment. The only man Brienne had ever loved, she said, or, as Cersei suggested, he was that one person at the time who treated her with some respect. She would've easily mistaken that admiration for love. Brienne knew she wanted to avenge him, though.

Cersei had told her about her mother, about the cliffs around Casterly Rock that Jaime and she used to jump off of into the sea, about the lions they kept underneath the castle.

They’d drunk wine until Brienne was giggling and Cersei felt lightheaded. Cersei had let her stay in her bed, intending to sleep on the opposite side of it, but they’d rolled into each other’s arms within minutes. Cersei couldn’t even pretend to dislike it.

“Here you are, I’ve been looking for you,” Jaime’s voice suddenly said nearby. 

Cersei looked beside her and saw her brother, carefully keeping his distance. 

“Did Brienne talk to you?” 

“Yes.” Cersei knew Jaime wanted to discuss Tyrion, but when he said Brienne’s name, she couldn’t focus on anything except for her.

“I’ll wait for the trial,” she said absentmindedly. “As long as there are guards outside his cell at all times.” 

“I swear there are. Thank you, Cersei. The trial is in sixteen days.” 

Cersei nodded. She looked into Jaime’s eyes and took a deep breath. She had to talk to someone. Jaime wouldn’t hurt her. She could tell him everything, couldn’t she?

“You… you were right. About Brienne… and me.” 

Cersei kept looking at him. She didn’t really recognize the emotion in his eyes. Was he angry? Sad? Confused? 

“What happened?” Even his voice didn’t betray him yet. He sounded calm enough.

“She kissed me,” Cersei whispered, then realized it was a lie. “I kissed her. Once.”

“She loves you. I told you she does.” 

“I wanted to know, I- I’ve been feeling strange about her for a while, Jaime, I had to know what it was. I feel different when I’m around her.” 

Jaime was trying his hardest to stay calm. He couldn’t get angry, or jealous, for any reason, not when anyone could pass by and hear them.

“Different,” he said.

“Happier. I feel safer when she’s around, I can’t stop looking at her,” Cersei admitted. The first time she’d ever said that out loud. “I want to stay close to her. I don’t know what’s happening to me, Jaime, I wish it wasn’t happening.” 

"And that's different from the way you feel with me?” Jaime asked.

“Yes. Very different.” It was out there before Cersei realized what she had said. 

Jaime seemed to need some time to process her words. He rubbed his eyes and stood up, walking away from Cersei. _He would never walk away from me._

“If you love her, what happens to us?” he asked. He was still trying to keep himself composed, but it was clearly getting harder with every second now. 

Cersei couldn't give him an answer. She wanted to be able to assure him nothing had to change between them, she could get over Brienne, she would go back to Jaime. He was her one true love, as he had always been. He’d immediately know it was a lie, though. 

“Why her?” Jaime tried one more time, desperately, angrily. 

Cersei couldn’t tell him that either. She had definitely once thought Brienne was ugly, annoying, boring, everything that Jaime wasn’t. She was still everything that Jaime wasn’t, if Cersei thought about it. 

Jaime sighed. "I don't know what you should do. I don't want you to leave me, ever. We belong together. I've promised you I would kill everyone in the world for you. I stand by that, if that's what it'd take to get you back." 

He didn't mean that, not anymore. Cersei could see it. He would kill _Brienne_, and he would never look at Cersei the same way again.

Cersei felt tears welling up in her eyes at the thought of ultimately having to choose between her twin and Brienne.

She couldn't take it. "I'm sorry, brother."

She left him alone and went to look for Brienne.

She was stopped in the hallway by her father. He looked tall and stern and powerful as ever. 

"A word?" He asked. Cersei nodded and walked along with him.

They stopped in the empty Small Council chamber. Her father sat at the head of the table, motioning with his eyes for Cersei to sit next to him.

"We need the Tyrells on our side as we find out who murdered our king. I trust you understand how weak we are now?" 

Cersei hadn't even thought of that. Of course, if anyone could poison the King of Westeros at his own wedding feast, their enemies would take their chances. 

"Lady Margaery is to marry Tommen. Now, our alliance with the Tyrells needs to be stronger than that, or they'll betray us the first chance they get. I still want Lady Margaery to marry Jaime, but neither the Tyrells nor Jaime will hear it. We need to secure the Reach, since the North is not secure anymore now that Lady Sansa is missing. I need you to contribute to our house's survival."

Cersei tried to keep her composure. The last thing she wanted to think about now was a new marriage to some man she didn't know, all because Tyrion wanted to ruin their House. 

"You are to wed Ser Loras Tyrell. Lady Margaery's brother." 

"_No_, Cersei wanted to scream. She wouldn't wed another man, she wouldn't go through years of suffering again. Her place was here, with Tommen, with Jaime. _With Brienne._

"Don't make me do it again," was all she could beg.

"You'll do whatever you can for your House. You wouldn't be the first woman dragged into the Sept against her will. They may have harmed your face, but you could still give him a son."

Cersei stormed out of the room, her fists clenched and her breath heavy and angry.

She found Brienne still in her chambers, but awake and dressed now. She was gathering the few belongings she had here.

"You’re going to try to find Sansa, aren’t you?” Cersei asked. She knew the answer, they’d already discussed it, but she didn’t want to face the reality just yet. Brienne couldn’t leave her.

"There you are," Brienne said, her face lighting up when she saw Cersei. She smiled at her and her eyes shone brightly.

“I’ll leave as soon as I can. Maybe I can still catch her on the road. I don’t think she could've gone very far yet. I’ll need one of the fastest horses in the city, please.”

A horse, and new armor, and a new sword, Cersei thought. She would get Brienne all of that herself, if she had a few more days.

“I have to leave, Cersei. She isn’t safe out there, wherever she is.”

“I know. Where will you take her?” Cersei asked.

“To the Wall, I think. Lady Catelyn mentioned Ned Stark’s bastard is a member of the Night’s Watch. She'll be safe. Or maybe I’ll take her to Tarth. Nobody would find her there.”

Cersei’s eyes teared up. She would probably never see Brienne again, and they both knew that. The room became dark and somber as they looked at each other, not knowing what to say. Cersei understood why Brienne had to go, she truly did, but it hurt. She could only hope Brienne would survive and care about her enough to come back. 

"Stay a few more days," Cersei said. She took Brienne's hands in hers. 

"I can't. When I have a sword and a horse, I'm leaving."

New armor would take at least a few more days, Cersei thought. And Brienne absolutely needed armor.

Cersei would love to have a new sword of her own, too. She wouldn't need Jaime or any trial to see Tyrion punished. She would definitely never have to marry Loras.

She missed the time when Brienne and she would practice their sword fighting every night. The last time it had happened seemed like years ago. Before they mutilated her face.

"What's wrong, Cersei?" Brienne asked, her voice low.

"They plan to marry me to Loras Tyrell. My father just informed me. I'll be sent off to Highgarden, I- I don't want to do that again. I'd rather come with you than stay here."

"I won't let you risk your life again. And you have to stay here. If not for yourself, stay here for Tommen. He needs his mother, especially now."

Cersei looked up into Brienne’s big, blue eyes. She wanted to embrace her, kiss her, hold her and ask her to never leave, but she couldn’t. Brienne had sworn an oath. She would never forsake it for anyone.

"Stay here tonight? Stay with me?"

“I will,” Brienne said, her voice soft, as if she was trying her hardest to comfort Cersei.

They lay in Cersei’s bed together once again. They wouldn’t even try not to stay close to each other this time. Brienne opened her arms and Cersei curled up against her chest, wrapping her arms around her waist tightly and pulling her in as close as she could. Brienne held one arm around Cersei’s shoulders and put her hand on Cersei’s hair, softly stroking it.

Cersei felt Brienne’s lips in her hair, giving her tiny kisses. Cersei shut her eyes and buried her face in Brienne’s chest, wanting to remember the feeling, the scent, everything. She would never know anything like this again.

She couldn’t sleep, not while thinking about Brienne leaving her, not while Brienne was still this close to her. Judging by her breathing, Brienne couldn’t sleep either, but Cersei didn’t want to say anything now.

What would happen if she kissed Brienne now? If she moved on top of her and asked if she could have her tonight? But she didn't want to risk Brienne leaving her again. She forced herself to stop thinking about Brienne's body pressed so close to hers and fall asleep.

When she was almost dozing off, she felt Brienne press a slightly harder kiss to her temple.

“I love you,” she heard a soft whisper. With her heart soaring, Cersei fell into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gay


	16. in my dreams you are my queen

Brienne stayed with Cersei for another three days, upon Cersei’s constant insistence she’d need her company. But she hadn’t seen Cersei often, except for when she would come to her chambers at night and ask to spend the night with her. Brienne treasured the nights, having Cersei sleep in her arms, or having Cersei hold her instead. 

Only once had she whispered she loved her, though. It had felt right. Cersei hadn’t heard her, so she’d saved herself the heartbreak. But it would be even harder to get her mind off Cersei now. Gods, how she’d miss her. She wouldn’t allow herself to think about what would happen to them if they never saw each other again, but in the back of her mind she knew the chance of that happening was big.

Jaime was colder to her, now. Brienne had tried to tell him Cersei had changed her mind about Tyrion, but other than a quick, short “thank you”, he avoided her, or shot angry glares her way. 

When she’d mentioned it to Cersei at night, Cersei had sighed at first, tracing her fingers over Brienne’s arm lazily, up to her shoulder until she brushed against her scars. She’d finally admitted she told the truth about them to Jaime. Brienne’s heart had stopped, thinking _maybe Cersei did love her_. But Cersei hadn’t wanted to talk about it any longer, and she’d fallen asleep with her hand on Brienne’s chest.

On the day Brienne would leave, Cersei had left her chambers earlier than usual. Brienne sat on her bed for a while, thinking of everything that had happened between them. She was certain she’d hated Cersei once, for being shallow, for being cruel, for simply being a Lannister. _But she saved my life all the same._

She couldn’t remember when Cersei’s skin had first felt so hot under her fingertips. When her voice had first made her feel warm inside. She only knew it did, and she would never feel anything like it again.

She needed to see Cersei one last time before she left. She came across Jaime in the hallway first. With a cold look in his eyes, he told her she would probably be waiting for her in her chambers. 

Indeed, Brienne found her there. She was dressed in a simple, thin, blue dress, with no jewellery other than her small golden lion pendant. Brienne thought it was the most beautiful she’d ever looked.

Brienne greeted her and Cersei smiled, though she didn’t look too happy.

“I’ve come to say goodbye,” Brienne said. She looked down, not wanting to leave at all. Even coming here was a bad idea. She wanted to stay with Cersei. 

“I know.” Cersei’s voice sounded like she’d been crying just some time before. “I have something for you.” 

She stood up and picked up a huge sword from her desk. It was long and sharp and the metal was rippled.

“Valyrian steel,” Brienne said in awe. Cersei nodded and handed the sword to her. 

“It’s yours.” 

“I can’t accept that-” 

“It’s yours, Brienne. Take it, find Sansa, bring her somewhere safe, and come back to me.” 

Brienne nodded, tears in her eyes. Of course she would return to Cersei as soon as possible. She held the sword in her hand, noticing how light and easy it was to wield. 

“I have something else,” Cersei said. 

She walked a few feet over and unveiled beautiful, dark blue armor. It was brand new and looked perfect. It was certainly much better than the ill-fitting armor she’d been forced to wear while she served in Renly’s Kingsguard. 

“I love it,” Brienne said. “Thank you.” 

Another soft, sad smile appeared on Cersei’s face. They were both just waiting for one of them to finally say goodbye, but neither of them wanted to.

Brienne took a few steps closer to Cersei. The sunlight shone onto her hair directly, making it look like pure gold. Her emerald eyes were glittering as well. She noticed Cersei was looking at her, too, with a strange look in her eyes. She’d seen it in her eyes twice before, once the last time they had a bath together, and the second time when she’d kissed her. 

Cersei’s hair and scar were reminders of how strong and brave she was, and how she’d tried to sacrifice herself to save Brienne. Twice. If Brienne ever met Locke and his men again, she’d kill them in Cersei’s name. 

She raised her hands and softly combed her fingers through Cersei’s hair. Cersei leaned into her touch and brushed her thumb over her hand. Brienne looked into Cersei’s eyes again, felt nothing but love and admiration for her. She saw the same in her eyes.

“May I kiss you?” she asked, certain now what the answer would be. 

Cersei nodded and Brienne leaned down, took Cersei’s face in her hands and kissed her lightly. Cersei put one hand on Brienne’s neck and pulled her in, deepening the kiss. She wrapped her arm around her waist and pressed their bodies close together, making Brienne’s skin shiver and burn all over.

Brienne had her eyes closed and only felt Cersei slowly push her back to her bed until she sat down with Cersei standing over her, tangling both of her hands in her hair, pushing her down and sitting on her lap. Now Cersei leaned down, taking her lips off Brienne’s and kissing her forehead, moving down to her nose, her cheeks, her lips again, covering her face in tiny kisses before trailing her mouth down to her jawline and her neck.

Brienne moaned and bared her neck for Cersei, holding her hand tightly in Cersei’s hair. 

Cersei reached under her and found the opening of her stupid blue dress, but Brienne held her hand on her arm.

“Cersei, I’ve never-” 

“I know. Tell me if you want to stop,” Cersei said, taking her hands off Brienne for a moment and looking at her with the sweetest look in her eyes. 

"No," Brienne said. "Don't stop."

Cersei smirked and Brienne kissed her again, feeling her dress being opened and pulled off her body. She shivered and looked down at herself, quickly noticing everything she should be ashamed of, then seeing Cersei stare at her like she was the most beautiful person in the world. 

Cersei took off her own dress as well, revealing her perfect body. Brienne drank her in, touching her cheek, her neck, her breast, her back. She noticed how confident Cersei looked again. Nothing compared to how scared and small she'd looked after they'd wounded her.

Cersei moved her hand down Brienne's body as well and little noises escaped Brienne's lips whenever Cersei touched a sensitive part of her. It only seemed to excite Cersei more as she followed her fingers with her lips until she reached her stomach. She went up again and took one of Brienne's nipples into her mouth, lightly sucking on it while playing with the other. Brienne arched her back and felt Cersei suck a little harder. 

"Cersei, please," Brienne said desperately. She _needed_ her. 

Cersei grinned and trailed her hand down lower again, stroking Brienne's thighs. Brienne felt herself grow wetter and wetter and finally Cersei cupped her sex in her hand. 

"I want you-" Brienne sighed, and Cersei captured her lips with hers once again. She let her index finger slide along Brienne's lower lips and eventually slipped it inside. Brienne groaned into Cersei's mouth and tightened her grip on her neck as Cersei slipped another finger in, letting Brienne take some time to adjust to the feeling before the started moving her fingers. 

Brienne felt Cersei's upper body, moving her hand over her back and feeling Cersei easily respond to her touch. She let go of Cersei's neck to take both of her breasts in her hands and play with her nipples the way Cersei just did with her. Even the way Cersei bit her lip was gorgeous. 

Cersei added a third finger and Brienne moaned loudly. It only hurt a little. Cersei was surprisingly sweet and careful with her, letting her take all the time she needed, perfectly listening to Brienne's sounds and body. Brienne would never get this lucky again. She would never feel this good again. 

Cersei's thumb found a sensitive spot just above her fingers and made tiny circles over it. Brienne's hands still traced every inch of Cersei's body she could reach, pressing her in closer and closer. 

Cersei took her lips off Brienne's and kissed her way down her body again, kissing her thighs and biting her skin lightly, leaving little marks. 

She looked up as if to ask Brienne's permission, and Brienne went crazy at the sight of Cersei between her thighs. 

"Please," she whispered, and Cersei kissed her sex, keeping her hands on her thighs. She found that one sensitive spot again and licked around it. Brienne bit her lip hard and arched her hips up. Cersei looked up, smiling, her lips wet. 

"Like that?" 

"Yes, yes, gods," Brienne panted. The way Cersei was looking at her only made her moan harder as Cersei licked her again. 

Brienne was close, so close, when Cersei stopped and kissed her softly, trying to move up. 

"Don't stop," Brienne said, putting her hand back on Cersei's head and trying to make her go down again. 

And Cersei went back down, now adding two fingers back below her tongue, driving Brienne close to the edge again. 

"Cersei!" She screamed as she felt her release wave over her. Cersei kept touching and licking her through it, drinking her up. 

Cersei gave her sex one more kiss and moved up, grabbing Brienne's hair and kissing her lips deeply. Brienne tasted herself on Cersei's tongue. 

Cersei let Brienne get down from her high for a minute, kissing her face, then lay down and flipped them over so Brienne sat over her, looking at Cersei spread out beneath her. 

Cersei took Brienne's thighs into her hands and Brienne moved over her face as Cersei dove her tongue into her once again. 

Brienne rode her face until she came undone for a second time. Cersei licked and kissed her thighs and Brienne moved off her, sat up and sat Cersei down between her thighs. Her bare back against her skin set Brienne on fire and she leaned sideways to kiss Cersei. 

Brienne tried to copy Cersei's movements as she made her way down Cersei's body with one hand. She tried to tease Cersei the way she had done with Brienne, but Cersei caught her fingers and moved them to her sex.

"Need you," she moaned. 

Brienne pushed two fingers in carefully, not wanting to hurt her. It felt warm and tight and wet and Brienne picked up her pace, finding a spot inside that made Cersei squirm every time she hit it. She felt Cersei rock back on her fingers until she reached her climax, covering Brienne's fingers in wetness. 

Cersei moaned Brienne's name again and again and it was music to Brienne's ears. Cersei turned around and kissed Brienne passionately before lying down on her chest, looking into her eyes. She took Brienne's hand into her own and laced their fingers together. 

Brienne kissed the top of her head and Cersei closed her eyes for a few moments. Brienne was exhausted and had never felt this good in her life. She smelled Cersei's hair, hoping to never forget it. 

"Don't go," Cersei said. "Don't walk away from me." 

"I have to," Brienne said, her voice breaking. 

"Come back. When I'm queen, you can be in my Queensguard. If you want to." 

"Of course," Brienne said. In a better world, that could happen. But she'd have to make it back safely first. And she was no knight, could never be one. 

Cersei kissed her, tears in her eyes. She held her tightly, but Brienne gently took her arms away and stood up, putting on her new armor as Cersei watched her from her bed. 

It fit perfectly. Brienne looked into Cersei's mirror and laughed at her messy hair and puffy red lips. She smoothed her hair the best she could and Cersei walked up behind her, hugging her from behind and putting her head on her back. 

Brienne turned and brushed her hand over Cersei's cheek. 

"I'll come back sometime. I swear it." 

She took her new sword and sheathed it, waited until Cersei had put her dress back on and smoothed her hair as well. 

"Goodbye," Brienne said. 

"Goodbye," Cersei replied. 

They locked their lips together one last time, neither of them wanting to let go again. But Brienne had to break the kiss and leave her chamber. Her steps got heavier and heavier. She left the door open, looked back countless times. 

Outside, she saw a beautiful white horse waiting for her. 

"Hello, Ser- m'Lady," she heard a child's voice. "My name is Podrick Payne. I've been assigned as your squire." 

"I don't need-" Brienne started. The boy looked down.

"Alright. Fine. But don't slow me down." _I won't take a second longer than necessary._

"Promise, Ser. M'Lady." 

Brienne got on her horse and looked back one last time. She saw Cersei looking out of a huge window, waving at her. Brienne waved back, trying to blink her tears away. 

She left King's Landing behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GAY


	17. i'm the king and you're my queen

Cersei slowly walked through the heavy doors, the throne room dark and silent. She didn’t pay attention to the crowd, didn’t care about anyone there except for the one person she hadn’t seen in over two years. She only vaguely noticed Jaime. He’d only come back about two months ago, without their daughter. They had tried a few more times to make it work after that, but his touches would always feel wrong, his kisses even worse. He’d wanted her to try before their children's deaths, and she’d wanted to get over the ghost of Brienne still lingering on her body, but the death of their brother and their three children was too heavy a burden on them.

The only reason she held onto Jaime was because he was the only one she had left. The last male Lannister. She would’ve been excited to marry him, long ago, to rule together as the rightful king and queen. She wouldn’t even entertain the thought, now. He wouldn’t think of it either. He was happy being her Lord Commander, and her brother, and nothing more than that. It had been hard to adjust to that, at first. She mostly missed feeling like she had one person who would never hurt her, who she could be vulnerable with and tell anything to. Jaime had been that person before her children were born, while she endured her marriage to Robert, and even before she fell in love with Brienne. 

She looked down for a moment, at her heavy black dress. It covered her up to her chin and its bodice was armored. She wore her long hair in a thick braid. When she had her hair down, it almost reached her lower back already. If only Brienne could run her hands through it one last time.

She reached the Iron Throne, thought of all the people who had had to die for her to take her place. First her father, murdered by Tyrion right after Jaime let him free. Then, the Kingsguard had caught him and put him to death immediately. Jaime had travelled to Dorne then, left Cersei alone for months with _queen Margaery_, until he came back with nothing but the corpse of her daughter. After Tommen had died as well, Margaery and the rest of the Tyrells had been forced to go back to Highgarden, and Cersei had been the only one left to take the throne. 

“I now proclaim Cersei of the House Lannister, First of her Name, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Seven Kingdoms,” she heard, and it should have made her proud, but she could only think of what she was missing. She bowed her head slightly and her silver crown was put on her golden hair, matching her armor and dress in its style. 

She sat down on the throne, the blades uncomfortable on her skin. 

“Long may she reign!” she heard, and the crowd repeated it blindly. 

She stared into the crowd, seeing countless people pretending to be contented with their new queen, countless people who simply wanted to keep their heads and couldn’t care less about her.

Finally, she looked up, and saw _her_.

She looked beautiful, stronger and taller than Cersei remembered, every bit her knight. She wore the blue armor Cersei had gifted her, and she saw her sword still hanging at her side. She looked healthy and unharmed in the two years she’d been away from King’s Landing. Cersei’s heart jumped at the sight of her as Brienne’s lips curled into a loving little smile. Cersei gave her a tiny smile back and looked at Jaime in the crowd, who had followed her gaze and was staring at Brienne like he wanted her dead. 

Cersei had to wait impatiently for the crowd to leave. Brienne stayed with her, came down once the throne room was empty and bowed in front of her. 

“Your Grace,” she said, her voice still sweet and soft. 

“You don’t have to call me that,” Cersei replied, smiling, standing up from her throne and taking a few steps towards Brienne. “Come with me.” 

She led Brienne out of the room and took her hand, just because she could, because she was the queen and nobody was going to judge her for anything now. Brienne blushed and Cersei kissed her cheek, pulled her into her own chamber and shut the door.

“You came back for me,” she said finally, still holding Brienne’s hand and tilting her head back to look at her.

“Of course I did,” Brienne replied. “I swore I would, didn’t I? I killed Locke for you. For both of us.” 

“That’s good. That’s _very_ good. Is Sansa safe?” Cersei asked, motioning for Brienne to take a seat. 

“It took several months, but I found her with Theon Greyjoy as a prisoner in Winterfell. They were going to marry her off to Lord Ramsay Bolton. I saw him once, but couldn't get to him. I helped both Sansa and Theon escape just a day before the marriage, and brought Lady Sansa to the Wall. I stayed there for a few months until I knew she was safe. While I was there, they told me of your son’s death. I rode down immediately.”

Cersei sadly smiled upon hearing that, and looked into Brienne’s kind blue eyes. 

“It’s been hard, after it happened. Myrcella and Tommen passed so shortly after each other… I should’ve seen it coming, and I did, but they were my entire world. I hadn’t seen Myrcella in years, and then she was taken from me. I hadn’t heard from Jaime in weeks, thought he would make it back alive. He put her corpse in my arms instead. Tommen passed only weeks later. I was as sick as he was, and I tried to stay alive, for him, I tried to be strong, for him. I only had Jaime. He tried to be good to me, he really tried, and I tried with him, but he couldn't love me again, I think. I’ve been thinking of you constantly, Brienne. I’ve missed you every single day.”

She poured it out as if it was nothing, as if she wasn’t laying her deepest emotions bare for Brienne. She looked at Brienne, and the sight of her made her smile grow wider and her heart grow bigger. She thought back to their last day together, which seemed both like a lifetime ago, and like it had happened only yesterday. 

She stood up and cupped Brienne’s face in her hands, kissing her as if within an hour she wanted to make up for the two years they’d lost. The chair Brienne had chosen was large enough for Cersei to sit in as well, so she sat down on Brienne’s lap and kissed her hungrily, then softly, kissed her in as many ways and in as many places as she could. Brienne placed her hands on her waist to help her keep her balance.

“My queen…” she whispered, and it drove Cersei crazy. 

She licked her lips and her teeth lightly before biting down on Brienne’s lip and running her fingers through her short, thick hair. She felt Brienne fumble with her tight braid and moments later her long hair fell down her shoulders in golden waves, and Cersei kept kissing her like it was the last thing she would ever do.

They moved to Cersei’s bed again, just like the last time they’d been in her chambers, and she pinned Brienne’s wrists down above her head and took her armor off quickly and kissed her way down her body hungrily, leaving marks on her neck, on her breasts, everywhere her lips could reach her soft, beautiful skin. Brienne was strong enough to get herself out of Cersei’s grip and flip them over, carefully setting Cersei’s crown aside and taking handfuls of her golden hair, then trying to get her out of her complex dress as fast as possible. 

Cersei closed her eyes and let out a soft moan when she saw Brienne above her, her strong legs keeping Cersei’s body in place. Cersei moved her hips up, trying to meet Brienne’s, and let herself get undressed.

They made love again and again until they were panting next to each other, Brienne softly playing with Cersei’s hair and asking her if she could braid it again. Cersei nodded and giggled like a little girl and Brienne made several messy little braids on one side of her head, then undid them and brushed through her hair and kissed Cersei’s cheek.

Cersei kissed her cheek back, kissed her forehead, kissed her cute nose, kissed her brow, kissed her lips. Brienne tried to open her mouth to let Cersei’s tongue in, but Cersei only gave her a peck, and another peck, and another one while Brienne traced lazy circles over her back. Cersei kept kissing her and lost track of time when Brienne wanted to make love to her again, never letting go of her lips.

When they were finally tired, Brienne chuckled and broke their kisses to hold Cersei in her arms and look at her like she was the best thing that had ever happened to her. Cersei lay her head on Brienne’s shoulder and held her tightly. She would not let her go again, for any reason. 

“You’ve fulfilled your oath to Lady Catelyn. Would you pledge yourself to me?” Cersei tried. “When I said you could be in my Queensguard-” 

“I can’t,” Brienne answered. “I can’t be a knight.” She looked at Cersei sadly. 

“I don’t see why not. Unless you’d rather be my queen?” Cersei asked, only half jokingly. “You’re a truer knight than any of those men. Let me do you the honor.” 

She stood up and asked Brienne to help her put her dress back on. It took a lot longer than it had this morning, when her handmaidens had helped her. Then again, her handmaidens hadn’t stopped every few seconds to kiss her. 

She helped Brienne back into her armor afterwards, and put her crown back on her head. 

She had a sword hanging on her wall. She had it made after Brienne left her, almost an exact replica of Brienne's own sword, but slightly smaller so she could properly wield it. Not that she had had the chance to use it often. She took it off the wall and touched its shiny metal. Brienne stared at it in awe, a light smirk on her lips. 

“It’s beautiful,” she said.

“Kneel, Lady Brienne,” Cersei said, pointing her sword at the floor. She had seen this happen many times, but knighting someone herself was something entirely different. Brienne was staring at her as if she was offering to make her life’s dream come true. She probably was, Cersei realized, and it filled her heart with pride.

She didn’t move for a few moments, as if she was unsure if Cersei was serious. Cersei smiled at Brienne and nodded encouragingly. Brienne stood up and kneeled in front of her, looking down at the floor. Cersei saw in her eyes she couldn’t believe this was truly happening.

She tightened her grip on her sword nervously and cleared her head, only concentrating on her words and on Brienne before her. She raised her sword and lowered it over Brienne’s right shoulder. 

“In the name of the Warrior, I charge you to be brave.” She considered Brienne the bravest person she’d ever met. She’d protected Cersei from a wolf on their first day together, she’d fought a bear with a wooden sword, she’d probably risked her life countless times to protect Sansa. 

Brienne breathed heavily, raised her eyes for a moment to look at Cersei, who smiled a tiny smile and raised her sword over her left shoulder.

“In the name of the Father, I charge you to be just.” With every word she spoke, Cersei was more convinced Brienne deserved this title more than anyone, certainly more than any current member of her Queensguard. Jaime was her Lord Commander, but she would have Brienne take his position soon. If Brienne would want that.

She moved her sword back to her right shoulder for the last time. 

“In the name of the Mother, I charge you to defend the innocent.” 

Cersei’s voice got softer as she thought of all the times Brienne had defended her, the furthest thing from an innocent. Even though Cersei had been cruel to her, Brienne had never forsaken her oath to bring her back to King’s Landing, and she had never failed to protect Cersei. 

Cersei took her sword away from Brienne’s shoulder and looked into her eyes. She was on the verge of crying, and Cersei’s heart melted. 

“Arise, Brienne of Tarth. A knight of the Seven Kingdoms.” 

Brienne stood up, towering over Cersei, tears in her eyes, her lips quivering and Cersei had never seen her look so proud, so happy, so beautiful. Cersei put her sword back and only had a few moments to turn back to Brienne before Brienne embraced her and kissed her passionately.

“I love you,” Cersei whispered. Brienne would never know she had heard her confession, all those years ago. Cersei had spent much time contemplating what she felt for Brienne. Was it love? It truly felt entirely different to what she felt for Jaime. More innocent, more genuine, happier, less consuming but more solid and calming and more real. She wouldn't have to doubt Brienne. She wouldn't have to force her loyalty. 

And now, she had Brienne back in her arms and she would never let her go again, and Brienne wasn’t planning on ever leaving again. And they were as safe as possible, and they would have a chance at being happy together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow that was the first fic i ever posted and one of the first long fics i ever completed 😳 thank u for all the comments and kudos and all of that 💗💗💗💗💗


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